What would I be doing right now if I were still married?

As I sit here in my one comfy chair facing the patio doors with both windows wide open as the sun and breeze washes over me, I listen to laughter at the brewery across the street.  There is the white noise of traffic from the interstate at times interrupted by a train passing by.  I sip a glass of wine as I take in the life around me and feel a grounded sense of calm despite the chaos of my country, a chaos that temporarily feels a bit more distant in moments like this.  I am content.

But where would I be if the divorce last year hadn't happened?

The TV would be playing in the background as I sat on the couch with my laptop.  He would have been flipping through channels or watching something on YouTube.  At one point, I joked that I knew the voices of a couple of his frequent car YouTubers better than I knew his.  In hindsight, there might have been more truth to that than I realized at the time.

The windows would be closed and not much sunlight would be filtering in from our interior courtyard facing apartment.  We would be getting ready to start dinner, a meal with protein and veggies, so that it could be ready in time for the nightly news.  A real meal would be a real plus over the fridge snacking I find myself in now - pieces of lunch meat, pickles and olives, potato salad from the grocery store, way too many bagels - I really struggle with the motivation to cook good meals.

Would we talk about what chaos awaited us on Monday at work?  Maybe.  I wonder how our conversations would have shifted.  He never really wanted to talk politics beyond any superficial level.  The chance we might disagree on an issue seemed to be a threat to him (something I never understood).  Years ago, I had turned to the comments section of the Washington Post to get my need to exchange ideas with people, although that outlet is gone now.

It wouldn't have been a bad way to spend an evening but I don't think it would have given me the peace I feel now.  We had fallen too much into routine.  It had been a while since I/we had evaluated whether that routine was working well.