Belonging

This isn't a fully thought out train of thought yet so bear with me in this blog post.  But it is something that my brain keeps coming back to and I feel like I made some progress on my walk to church this morning.  Maybe writing about it will help me further process it.

I am unique.  I am not even remotely like anyone I have ever met.  I have often felt misunderstood and rarely have I found social spaces where I feel like I belong.  I have always felt this way going back to  my earliest memories.  So many of my social interactions throughout life have felt forced or restrained or superficial.

So when I went to an event at my church a couple years ago about the Enneagram and learned that I am a five, I wasn't surprised.  It is my understanding that fives are the rarest types and they are even rarer among women. 

So why is this all relevant to today and this blog?  That's where this morning's walk to church comes into play.

When I first started dating my ex-husband, I felt I had found someone where I fit, where I belonged.  I felt free to lean fully into myself and believed I was accepted.  Here was someone I felt comfortable with and who I thought understood me.  That feeling, although it may have been misguided in some ways, never went away until the very end.

So after it all ended, maybe what I am grieving most is the loss of feeling like I belong somewhere and the fear that I will never find it again.