That lead to the reminder that he had chosen to abandon me in a time where I could foresee us both potentially needing some support in the near future (a time that has now come). I still feel a lot of anger about that.
I then headed to work and I think it was on my scooter ride into work that the following analysis unfolded in my head. (My therapist asked me where I had come up with this and I couldn't remember in the moment but I believe it was somewhere in the park.)
I took the time to really think about what my role would be in a time like this where we both were facing chaos and crisis. And if I'm honest with myself, I know he wouldn't have had the capacity to provide me any support and he would have leaned on me to support him and soothe him. I'm sure he would have buried some of it - he did that a lot. But in moments like this it would have been too overwhelming to fully bury so some of it would have come out. Regardless, he wouldn't have had space for my feelings.
My therapist asked me if I would have just neglected myself to care for him. Initially I said yes, although I'm not truly sure on that. We had never experienced anything like this where we both were in crisis at the same time. And I feel like over the years I had gotten better at setting boundaries when I truly needed to. Maybe that is what made him decide to leave.
So I want to believe I would have found space for myself and my feelings even if it left him having to do some of his own self-soothing. But I don't know.
My take-away from this whole thought process that started this morning and continued through my therapy session is that even if my heart hasn't caught up yet, is that I probably am managing and moving through this crisis far better alone than I would have we were still together. So maybe the timing of the divorce was actually right so I had the strength to handle the challenges of this year.
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