Fully understanding it is not linear, have I stepped into a new phase of healing? I have spent months wishing I could have one more conversation as if I would get some closure from a final conversation. The content of that conversation in my head has shifted as I processed through my emotions. My optimism about how helpful it would be has also significantly shifted over the months.
But as I walked home from work today, the conversation went differently in my head. (We all replay and create conversations in our head with the people in our lives, right? I'm not the only one who processes this way, am I?)
Anyway, today's conversation was as if I had run into him and he had initiated the conversation. He really wanted to remain friends as we split, so I wouldn't put it past him to approach me someday. In today's conversation (all in my head), I was quiet. I didn't want to explain myself anymore. I didn't see any value in telling him how he hurt me. I had nothing left to say to him.
I think something shifted in me when I realized how low of a priority I was to him going back a lot of years. And it really tracks with something he said as we were splitting. He believes love is a feeling not an action or a choice. Love without any action or choice is fleeting. It can't last. It's most likely just infatuation. And it may have even worn off before we even got married. With only one of us choosing love, our marriage didn't stand a chance.
I don't think there is any explanation that he can give that would change that fact. He didn't ever truly choose me. He may have said yes to a marriage proposal and yes to our vows but he didn't choose love and put that love into action by investing in our marriage. I don't need another conversation to watch him demonstrate once again that he didn't choose me.
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