Cars and Material Possessions

At choir practice tonight, we rehearsed the anthem we will sing Easter Sunday. Supposedly we sang it last Easter as well but it didn't sound familiar to me.  Curious where I was last Easter because I didn't think our cruise would have included Easter (we usually avoided holidays) and I thought I was around the rest of the spring, so I pulled up my calendar.

We were in Nashville.  We bought a car on the Saturday before Easter (March 30).  My ex-husband then spent most of the rest of the day detailing it in the parking garage of the hotel where we stayed while I enjoyed the rooftop terrace by myself.  We did take the time to enjoy Cheekwood in Bloom with all their tulips on Easter Sunday before going home so at least that was a bright spot of the weekend.  

It's weird though, I don't have any blog posts of the weekend in my travel blog.  I usually blogged about weekend trips.  Why did I not find it significant enough to blog about?

Thinking about the time he spent detailing the car at the hotel, reminds me of the bucket that sits in my coat closet.  It contains unopened bottles of bug remover, wax, RainX and maybe something else plus a still sealed sponge and maybe some cloths.  I moved out 6 months ago but I haven't used it.  There's a full page typed document he air dropped me last summer about how to care for my car that I haven't looked at really either.

He worried more about how I would take care of the car than how I would take care of myself.  I remember thinking that at the time even.  He was so focused on our material possessions and not at all focused on the harm he was causing me or the challenges I would face as a solo woman.  I think I had accepted that then already.  I think I had known it on some level all along.

I sit here as I turn these puzzle pieces over and over in my head with a sense of detachment.  It just is what it is.  I can't go back and change it.  I don't regret where life has taken me.  I've made use of every challenge I've faced to grow.  And my marriage was one of those challenges.

And when I look back at my life and all the decisions I've made, I've made lots of mistakes.  I tolerated things I shouldn't have tolerated.  It took some time to work on my communication skills.  But I have lived my life with integrity.  I feel good about the way I showed up.  I feel good about the way I have used self-reflection (and continue to do so) to grow and constantly strive to do better.

So a memory like this might make me pause.  And it definitely makes me a bit sad for the woman I was in that marriage.  But it's also a reminder of the strength inside of me and the integrity with which I face this world.