The more I process and the more I realize how toxic the dynamic was, the more I question why I didn't see it and why I tolerated it and even why I felt so blindsided. If my eyes had been open, I would have anticipated some sort of outcome like this, although preferably a kinder end to the relationship.
Maybe it goes back to the spectrum and gray area I talked about with my therapist last session. People likely aren't 100% one attachment style.
I received consistent love and care from my parents growing up. They may have struggled at times to meet my emotional needs being such analytical people themselves but I never doubted their love or support. I never worried they would abandon me. I always knew they would find a way to help me when I needed help.
And they really raised me to become independent encouraging me to step out on my own but always being in the wings in case I faltered. They will freely give me advice but only if I ask for it. They trust I can figure things out on my own and that I will know when to ask for help.
And they are incredibly authentic people who through example encouraged me to embrace me and worry less about what society expects of me.
To contrast that, I had a pretty horrible experience with my peers. I had medical problems as a child that made me a prime target for bullying. And my parents encouraging me to embrace my uniqueness didn't always help me fit in - just ask my sister about the giant sombrero on hat day in high school that I think mortified her.
I still found some close friends but they were each only around for a season and often didn't leave on good terms. My first best friend suddenly started hating me when her parents went through a divorce in fifth grade. I don't honestly believe she hated me - I was just the outlet for her anger at the situation but it nevertheless ended our friendship. My second best friend stopped talking to me when I disclosed I was not straight. She had already told me I was going to hell because I was Lutheran and not Catholic, being bisexual crossed a whole other line.
My close college friendships from freshman year just seemed to vanish into thin air when I came back from a semester abroad.
I was really fortunate at how much my home life could balance and be a safe space from my school life. I think it helped me keep things in perspective and build resilience. But there probably still is a bit of an unconscious fear of abandonment. And I think that came out when my ex-husband and I went through our first bumpy patch in 2016 or 2017. And maybe I've realized some growth since then such that it didn't come out as strongly last summer when it finally ended.
I also wonder if some of the growth I experienced over the last 5-10 years made me start to push back more against toxic behaviors. I think it happened so gradually that I didn't even notice it until I reflect in hindsight now. I had started to try and find ways to speak up when his complaining had gone on so long it was draining me. I had started to speak up about the unfair way he was demanding validation in the moment for his aggressive driving that was making me feel unsafe. I had started to set and enforce clearer boundaries with his mom. Maybe my growth created a shift in the relationship that he was no longer comfortable with.
When I look back at yesterday's posts and the ways I got tired of certain behaviors and maybe started to like him less, I think that shift only happened in the last 5 or so years. So maybe I wasn't always as secure as I feel today.
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