Since this all started last summer, I have heard many comments from many people about the ways they would get revenge if they were me and about how I'm being too nice to him. It's been so weird trying to figure out how to respond to comments like that. I feel as if people want or at least expect me to be really angry at him and hate him.
Now I've had some moments of anger but they have more been directed at the situation or the circumstances. Or when I dig deeper they have been a cover for the deep sadness and grief I feel. But I don't hate him. I'm not angry at him. There is an underlying feeling of sadness for him in all my emotions.
Even recently in a conversation with my therapist where I was realizing how low of a priority I was to him, my therapist asked if in this moment of feeling betrayed whether I would react differently upon meeting him by chance than I had the last time I ran into him. I don't actually know her intention but it felt like she was trying to draw out of me any anger I may feel.
But it's not there. Making the connections and further understanding the depth of his betrayal doesn't bring out more anger. It just makes me really sad. It breaks my heart.
I think it comes down to the fact that I still generally trust my judgment. Nothing I have learned through self-reflection has changed the fact that I still think he is a generally good person with good intentions. I picked him two decades ago for many reasons that still exist today.
I just don't think he has the capacity to love without putting in the time to heal from the toxic dynamics that started in his childhood. I don't think he actually knows what healthy love is. I think he gets in the way of his own happiness.
So no matter how conflicted I feel, I can't be angry at that.
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