So I'm left to deal with so many of my thoughts alone and talking about dating is one of those things. So here I am typing out things in a public blog (that really no one reads) that I have yet to say out loud.
I don't have any interest in dating or so I keep telling myself. The thought of starting over with someone new after two decades is incredibly intimidating and doesn't seem worth the risk. I wasn't all that into dating when I was young. It was just one of those things that happened by chance a couple of times before I met my now ex-husband. I wasn't looking for someone. I didn't have dreams of marriage or a family or anything like that.
It probably doesn't help that I initially joined a Facebook group where women warn other women about men who are unsafe. (I've since unfollowed that group.)
It also doesn't help how many divorced women I speak to of my age and older who have given up on the dating scene because of the lack of quality single men.
And it doesn't help that my ex-husband seemed like one of the good guys. My journal entries don't show any concerning behaviors from him until after I had proposed and we had moved in together and even those concerning behaviors seemed minor enough to be easily dismissed especially early in a romance. So there is a fear that I could fall for another person who puts on a good show in the beginning that doesn't last.
So my focus since the separation has been on me and building a life that I could be happy with as a solo person.
So I'm a bit taken aback by my first crush. I really don't think I'm ready to date again. And I'm not sure this is even a man I want to date for reasons I won't get into in this blog. So I don't know what to do with these feelings. But if I told you my heart didn't skip a beat when I just watched him walk from the business across the street to his car that was parked outside my window just now, I would be lying.
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