Priorities

When I pushed through the anxiety and walked into that dealership yesterday after work, I thought I was just feeling unsure of myself doing this all by myself for the first time.  I didn't realize that my anxiety was likely stemmed in the ingrained negative memories I have of dealerships, my ex-husband, and what it represented in our marriage.

That visual I have in my head of laying on the car dealership showroom years ago stretching to try and relive some pain as the negotiations and paperwork to buy a car went on for hours is more than just a reminder of the physical pain.  It demonstrates how my ex-husband had more concern for the cars he was buying than he did for my comfort.  

I fell somewhere behind his cars, his mom, his job, his career ambitions, etc. when it came to his priorities.  And if I had been paying attention, I would have seen that more clearly in his actions instead of realizing it now in a way that feels such a huge betrayal.

I invested so much in a man who couldn't even bother to put me above material things.

And it's not even anger I feel.  It's this deep sadness that someone would go through life valuing material things over people who love them deeply.  And this grief for what we could have had if only.  And it's a feeling of loss of good memories that are now tainted by what I see now that I couldn't then.