As I walked through my city after dark tonight, something felt off. I wished I had brought my scooter. I'm writing this from the safety of my home so you can be assured I made it home safely. But that doesn't erase the intuition I had to be a bit more alert and to walk through in my head the protocols that have become routine to make sure I hadn't become too comfortable.
I feel pretty comfortable in my part of my city. I know the faces of the homeless and the regulars and what behavior is normal to expect from them. I know the better lit streets, the business that are open later, and where the dog walkers are usually out. I have the phone number of the city security program that offers escorts programed in my phone. And I stay off my phone (although keep in handy) so that I can pay attention to my surroundings. In more than six years, only three times have I crossed the street because I felt uncomfortable.
Men don't generally think of any of these things. I had a conversation with my ex-husband once and he was clueless. But while we were married, at my request, he tracked my location on the nights I was out. I would text him when I left so he would know when to expect me. And if I asked him to, he would come meet me at least part way to walk me home.
So tonight, this off feeling felt especially eerie. I have a friend with access to my location but she lives 30 minutes out of town. And it's not quite the same as someone waiting for you at home with easier access to help.
I wish this world were safe for women. I wish I didn't have to go through a long checklist of precautions anytime I go out alone. So tonight I'm grieving the loss of the safety of my marriage.
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