Resentment and Judgment

I reached a point in my life some years ago where I decided the cost of resentment wasn't worth it.  I don't know that I've ever been someone who spends a lot of energy on resentment or grudges so I'm not sure this was a big leap for me but I wasn't immune to it either.

It wasn't some clear decision I was aware of.  It was just a shift in how I approached conflict and hurts.  I think it coincided with the shift in how I viewed my parents as that was when I finally released the resentment I felt towards them.  

When I was a high school teenager, I suffered from depression.  My parents didn't understand the importance of mental health and mental health treatment.  And it felt like they were too busy focused on my sister to even notice I wasn't okay.  I remember a phone call with a good friend who helped me find the courage to talk to them about getting treatment.  Even with that courage, they took some convincing.  In the years that followed, I remember holding onto how shitty it felt as a teenager having to advocate so hard to my parents to get the help I needed.

I suspect I finally recognized the cost that I was paying to hold onto that resentment.

So from that point forward, whenever I faced a conflict or hurt, I only gave myself the option to either speak up or to fully let it go.

So as my marriage ended, I didn't feel like I had left anything unsaid.  I didn't necessarily feel heard or understood.  And the way he had re-written our history, there were many examples of ways he had twisted my words.  I struggled with the lack of control I had in how my words were received.  But despite my feeling the need to further explain myself, in reality I had done my part in expressing the things that were important to me.

So now I have the benefit of hindsight and a whole lot more clarity that comes with space and processing.  And if I'm honest with myself, I was aware of the imbalance and unhealthy side of our relationship to a least a small extent even as I was making those decisions about what to communicate and what to let go.  And I still made the decisions I made.  And I don’t have any regrets or hold onto any resentments today.

Maybe my judgment wasn’t faulty.  Maybe I knew exactly who he was but lacked experience in how it would affect our relationship in the long run and so with that lack of experience, I leaned into two qualities about myself I greatly admire - my loyalty and my ability to see the best in people and circumstances.  Now today, I get to add the experience I gained from this relationship to my decision making going forward.