I am in awe of my strength.

Below is my Facebook memory from a year ago.  Tears rolled down my face as I read it this morning although I don’t think it was pain or sadness causing those tears. It was awe (a very emotional awe!) at the strength I was able to tap into even at my most raw stage and the clarity I already had for the path forward even amidst all the confusion at what had just happened.  It was the moment, maybe series of moments, when I started choosing me.  And this was the beginning of letting my very new community in.

I absolutely love how I ended the post, “I am strong and I like myself so I know I will come out better on the other side.”  FYI - the sermon series in August of last year was about meltdowns (quite timely!), hence the reference in my last sentence.

The other thing that struck me was the fact that I applied for my very first apartment alone on August 10 of last year and this August 10, I applied for my first professional job as a single person, one that might take me to a whole new city on my own.  What a year of growth it has been!

I have claimed this park bench (and this view from the bench).  I really should talk to Railroad Park about having them put my name on it.  😉  It has seen my tears, heard my laughter, and sat with me in silence as peace washed over me.  We have watched sunsets together and just soaked in the vibe of children playing, people gathering, and dogs walking their owners.

I will be starting a new chapter in my life that will follow the uncertainty and pain of today, a place I never imagined I would be in my early 40s.  But here I am.  I really paused to make this post.  Social media is so often a curated version of our lives without all the messy parts.  But I think it is the messy parts that make us who we are.  So I'm not sure what good it does to hide those parts from friends and family.  

My husband and I are separating.  Yesterday, I applied for and was approved for my very own apartment with a move in date set for late September.  There's still a lot of work to do to sort out who gets what and untangle more than 19 years of our lives.  So some very tough months still lay ahead of me.

I am strong and I like myself so I know I will come out better on the other side.  But I'm having my share of meltdowns these days.