In talking about how my ex-husband is still living rent free in my head, my therapist suggested a technique to try and stop that. As she described it, she talked about a chance to re-write my body's history. I had such a strong emotional reaction as she was describing it.
Tears welled up in my eyes until they started overflowing. A sense of panic rushed through me as my breathing got more shallow. Thoughts got caught in my throat. My body felt warm as a headache started to form. All those same sensations have returned as I blog about this. I don't have this strong of a reaction to memories or thoughts of him anymore. Why am I reacting this way to the thought of something that might help eradicate those persistent thoughts?
My therapist asked me if maybe my grief was my last connection to him. I loved him deeply for two decades. We grew into adulthood together. He is an integral part of who I have become. How much of my self do I lose if I let go of that grief, that last connection to him?
As exciting as it has been to watch my flourish since the divorce, there is so much fear in the unknown of what I am becoming and what I am leaving behind to become that person. The losses are so intricately intertwined with the gains.
I keep using the word "amazed" to describe how I feel about what I am accomplishing and the changes I'm seeing happen in me but I'm not sure that word fully communicates the complexity of how I feel. When I look up "amazed" in Word Hippo for synonyms, some of the suggestions that stand out include "disconcerted", "taken aback", "shaken", and "confounded". A better description recognizes the fear and confusion that is mixed in with the wonder and joy.
So maybe I'm still holding on to my grief because I'm not yet quite secure in who I am becoming and am afraid of losing pieces of me built on my past that I still need.
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