The fog has mostly lifted

Last month, I hit a low, probably one of my lowest lows since this all started.  That may sound odd being that a year has passed and I have come so far in that year.  But it makes sense to me.  I was in survival mode last year.  I was distracted with long to do lists.  I held on to hope for too long (that's not a judgment of the me of then - it's a self-reflection with the benefit of hindsight).  I had rose colored glasses on so wasn't seeing clearly.  

By the time last month came, with all the reminders of his betrayal, the rose colored glasses had come off.  I had some clarity.  And with this clarity had come a certain amount of anger as I was no longer making excuses for him.  And once the trip with my family was over, I didn't have distractions.

So I did the only thing I could do and moved through it.  That reminds me of a Rodney Atkins song I really like with this chorus,

If you're goin' through hell, keep on going.
Don't slow down.  If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.

Not that I advocate hiding your fear or any of your feelings.  I spent plenty of time sitting with my feelings last month but I did my best not to get stuck there.  I went and found a bird at the park to sit with when I was struggling the most.  And I called my parents.  And I reached out by text to people.  And I wrote.  I wrote so much.  And I kept moving through it.

And now that the fog is lifting, I'm ready for a mindset change.  So much of the way we perceive life centers around the mindset we create and nurture.  And not that it is easy by any means, but I think we have more control over how we approach challenges than we think.

I think there's two central themes that I still feel a bit stuck on that really need a mindset change - (1) the doubts around what was real and (2) finding a way to accept that I will never understand how he could do what he did to me.  I've already got a plan for the first and I'll talk about that in future blog posts.  I don't yet know how I will approach the second but I don't have to solve this all in one day.  And maybe I've oversimplified this all but I have to start somewhere.