A recurring theme over the past year has been this desire to have one more conversation. Everything still feels so unfinished. I'm still stuck trying to find closure. What's interesting though is that what I imagine that conversation would look like has significantly evolved over the past year.
If I go back to last fall, there were so many things I wanted to tell him, so many things I wanted to say. But when I was honest with myself, I realized I had already said all of those things to him before we separated and he had not listened. My desire was to get him to actually understand. Except I can't make someone understand. I had already done my part in communicating. It was up to him to receive that communication and he had chosen not to. Over time I accepted this and my need to explain myself slowly faded away.
But the desire for one more conversation still lingered, except now it is focused more on what he would say. Logically I doubt anything he would say would actually be helpful. I don't believe he is honest enough with himself to be able to give me any sort of honest answer. He is more likely to say something really dumb and try to again turn the blame on me. So my mind recognizes that one more conversation is unlikely to be productive.
My therapist asked some really good questions to help me try and understand what was behind this need. It is this lingering hope (however small it may be) that I wasn't so wrong about him, that I would see a glimpse of the man I believed him to be, that the man he showed me to be last year was just a bad dream. It is a lack of trust in my judgment and a need to forgive myself for getting it wrong. The relationship feels unfinished because I haven't reconciled the man I believed him to be with the man he showed me he was in the end.
I don't think a conversation with him will actually resolve that.
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