What I know to be real

I've decided that it is more productive to focus on what I do know to be real and how it has formed me instead of worrying about which parts of our marriage were just a pretense.  I guess it goes back to the idea that we never actually experience reality since our perceptions are created.  So there will always be a component of pretense in life whether that be people intentionally pretending to be someone or something they are not or whether that be our worldview and perceptions distorting who they actually are or both simultaneously happening.

So I've been working on this poem below.  I'm playing with the formatting a bit to contrast what I understand now with what I saw clearly within the marriage with what my rose colored glasses convinced me to mostly ignore while we were together.

I'm not sure it all logically makes sense in my brain, that all of this could have occurred within a single relationship, how parts seem to conflict with one another.  But life is just complex.  It doesn't always make sense.  Humans are complex.  And nothing ever completely stays the same so a relationship that spans two decades will change over time.

What I know to be real

My energy and joy today
My happiness throughout
My ongoing growth
as a person
in relationships
in my career
My focus on the good

His adventurous spirt
His laughter and his smile
The physical comfort I felt with him
His trustworthiness with finances and
hardworking nature

Unbalanced priorities 

His insecurities and

my confidence 

His mom’s interference

and his lack of boundaries

a lesson in setting my own boundaries 

The places we traveled
The bird species list we added to
The trails we hiked
The challenges we triumphed over 
an upside down mortgage
ten moves in three states
the death of his father
an amicable financial split in the divorce

The unresolved conflict

"and one-sided "solutions

His unspoken resentments

His unregulated emotions

and the lack of space for my emotions

His drain on my energy

His negativity

and view that the world is out to get him

A perceived kindness interlaced 

with a lack of consideration 

A quiet distance I refused to see

My acceptance of the dysfunction

My capacity for love
My trustworthiness 
My loyalty
My integrity 
My resourcefulness

My resilience
My optimism for the future
My joy
My energy
Me