Intensity vs Intimacy

I read recently to be careful not to confuse intensity for intimacy.  That's exactly what I did when I met him.  It was an all-consuming first year where we spent every waking available minute together.  I used to joke about how little sleep I got, hanging out with him until 2 am and then being at my office job by 8 am.  I worked two jobs that first summer.  He only worked one but often tried to adjust his hours at the grocery store to match mine and then would sleep while I was at my office job.

He was so attentive and effusive with the words he wrote and spoke to me.  And his family was over-the-top welcoming and loving.

When I read that advice about intensity and intimacy, I realized intense is the perfect word to describe that first year.  

What it really reminds me of is the love stories in movies - that all-consuming, whirlwind romance that ends in happily ever after.  And interestingly, when he wasn't watching YouTube videos about relationships that last summer, he was watching romance movies which got real awkward (at least for me) in those weeks we were still living together but had separated.  He seemed obsessed with romance as Hollywood depicted it.  

I got caught in that initial Hollywood whirlwind romance but had enough life experience to recognize that a lasting relationship was more than that (even if I didn’t understand the real nuance and importance of reciprocation and balance) so I stayed, grew, invested, chose love, etc. when the whirlwind ended.  

He, on the other hand, chose silent resentment over investing in the relationship when the whirlwind ended.  And as we separated, he was still looking for that whirlwind romance thinking that is what love is.  I imagine his new girlfriend is experiencing the intensity now.

If I ever find myself falling in love again, I hope I am cautious of intensity and focus more on who they are when things get real and how they show up in the relationship in a way that is more balanced.  I hope I don’t get caught up again with someone who has bought into the ideas of Hollywood romance.  I want someone who believes love is a choice and an action and is willing to invest in me and the relationship with a steadiness and consistency that is sustainable, not an intensity with a short shelf-life.