When someone actually loves you and cares for you, they don't run when things get hard. They stick around and work through the challenges. It's time to let go of someone who is so indifferent to losing me, someone who thinks divorce is easier than conversations, someone who will sit back for years pointing fingers watching me adjust and adapt without ever reflecting on his own actions, someone who doesn't recognize my value....
Maybe he did love me on some level. Maybe he doesn't actually know what love is.
I had another therapy session yesterday. I didn't actually have a lot to say. I've spent so much time on my own processing it all and have done a good job of finding a few people to release to. I'm already doing everything a therapist can suggest I do. He and many of my friends are amazed at the ways I am proactively coping. It doesn't feel amazing to me. It just feels like I'm doing what is necessary.
None of that lesses the pain. A day hasn't gone by since this started that I haven't broken down. I just don't allow myself to stay there. I pick myself up. I go for a walk. I join a yoga session. I type in this blog. I text a friend. I buy myself flowers. Or I just let the tears flow as the I watch the colors change as the sun sets.
Last night, he was really irritating me. First it was complaints about the cost of our car registration (an amount that matched my budget so wasn't a surprise to me). Then the complaints went on to other things that I quickly tuned out. The negative energy coming from him was so strong and I wanted nothing to do with it so I distanced myself. I wonder how much of that negative energy has impacted my physical and mental health over the marriage.
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