The anxiety was high yesterday with the meeting with my attorney, not because I was worried about what she would say - I felt good about our agreement and just wanted a second set of eyes on it, but because it is one more step toward finality. And then yesterday evening, my husband paid the fee online for his attorney and sent them everything they need to draft all the paperwork.
In addition, this week I have still been going through our stuff. I opened a giant rubbermaid tub after work yesterday that I thought was all my keepsakes as a child and found so many photos, letters, and mementos from our dating years, wedding, reception, and marriage. I even found a copy of the vows we took and the poem our parents read for our ceremony. The love expressed in the letters and cards my husband wrote me over the years (as recently as 2018) just feels so real reading it even today. I don't know that he could have been pretending for all of those years.
My husband came home to find my crying on my bed surrounded by so many memories.
He shed some of his own tears yesterday evening too as he went through things and I'm really surprised by how many photos of me he is keeping. If he truly cared that much about me, why did he never in the 19 years of our marriage take the time to learn how to communicate? Why choose to sit alone in misery when you have a good woman by your side? And then why throw that all away without any attempt to work on it?
I don't know why I'm fixated on this. It's too late now. Too much is in motion and I have too much clarity to go back to the status quo. It would take significant change and reflection on his part for me to even consider reconciling. And even then, I would have to get over all the hurt and pain he caused and by that time the divorce would be final. Why would I give someone another chance after going through all that?
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