It just feels like I can't get a break, everything is compounding on top of everything else. And as it all happens, he seems to be carefree, still comfortable in his own home, and completely indifferent to what I am going through.
We received an e-mail today about our next vacation. We had agreed that he would take the September one and I would take the October one, both of which had fully been paid for before he made the decision to divorce. We have traveled often together, taken many, many trips and never been upgraded. This morning's e-mail changed that streak for the trip he is going to take in September. He was excited for the upgrade not even thinking about the fact that it was his alone and not ours. When I pointed that out to him, he told me that I could come with him. He seems to think we can just go as friends. I don't know. I don't want to be friends and it's painful to see him so checked out of the marriage that he thinks we can so easily transition to friends now.
Then upon logging into work, I got an e-mail that they will be discontinuing support for SAS EBI, the platform I had just spent so much time trying to get access to and start learning. And oh how was it a hassle to get access to!
And I still have a little lingering cough, especially when I'm trying to sleep from COVID. Yes, I picked up COVID last week. Although clearly no one cares anymore as work told me I was fine to come in on Monday. If only we cared a little and made use of our access to telework, I probably wouldn't have picked it up.
To face losing my husband of 19 years, most of my vacation plans, a goal of an early retirement date, my nice apartment, plans to upgrade my scooter, the program at work that was giving me reason to go in each day, aspects of my identity, etc. all at the same time is so overwhelming that I feel so beaten down.
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