People (my therapist, friends, colleagues, etc.) keep telling me I'm doing all the right things. They admire me for how I seem to be coping. But am I really coping? Or am I just checking off boxes?
It started with an actual typed out to-do list that first weekend he was gone, divided up by time - things I wanted to accomplish that weekend, things I wanted to accomplish before he returned, things I eventually had to do but wasn't in as big of a rush. It was a mix of practical things (move into second bedroom, gather financial documents, meet with an attorney, find a new apartment, etc.) and self- care things (get out and walk and do yoga, reach out to X and Y friends, talk to one of my pastors, come up with a food plan that would get me to actually eat, etc.).
At first each step forward amplified the pain because it felt like taking a step away from a relationship I still wanted to hold on to. Over the last three weeks, those feelings have transitioned and now each step forward feels like a step towards the future, maybe because hope in the relationship is gone and so I know it's time to accept and move on. A certain momentum has built starting with my very first step of moving into the second bedroom to the point where things are just naturally moving forward.
I worry a bit that I'm just checking off boxes on my to do list and that this is all going to hit me someday not too far in the future. And honestly, I think deep down I fully expect it will. But maybe that's okay. I can't process everything at once. Sometimes it's good to focus on one thing at a time and let the rest fall into place as they will.
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