Big steps forward are especially emotional

With all the talk about apartments, I said to my husband, "You know signing a lease will be the first big financial decision we are making to separate.  Everything else we have done thus far has been small and reversible."  The response I got was complete silence, a non-response, and then he went back to his computer.

He had been silent since returning home from visiting his mom as to where his head was at and what we were really doing so what I really wanted was confirmation that this was truly the next step I needed to take.  I didn't want to be the one to make take this big step to separate based on assumptions.  I thought back to how many decisions I had made with him over the last year without having all the information in his head so I knew I needed more.  He needed to actually verbalize his thoughts.

To get silence as if this big step not only didn't mean anything to him but also as if I wasn't even worth the communication to make sure we were on the same page, was so painful.  And it went against all his promises to be completely transparent throughout this process to make it as easy as possible on me.

I pushed further by outright asking him if this is truly the direction we were going.  He got a bit defensive saying he thought it had already been decided.  I told him he had not communicated anything to me and been really silent about where things were at.

I then left the apartment and walked down to the office to talk to the leasing agent.  She was busy so I had a chance to just enjoy the breeze by the pool for a bit until she was available.  And then I asked my questions about the unit that had shown back up on the website.  We got to the end of our conversation and she asked "are you ready to do this?"  I told her "I think so" and then started crying.  

I returned to my apartment and told my husband I was applying and completed the application online.  That brought even more tears to my eyes.  This isn't where I wanted to be.  I never imagined I would be forging a life completely on my own at 42.  Taking this step brought me right back to all the tears I shed that first weekend as I carried all my stuff into the second bedroom.