Meltdowns

This month's sermon series at my progressive church is "Meltdowns - When things fall apart".  Imagine the timing of that!  I laughed out loud when I read the church newsletter late last week where they talked about the sermon series.

I had already been prioritizing church a bit more than normal for this time of year this summer given all that was going on.  Usually when the choir breaks for the summer, I take most of the Sundays off.  I consider myself a spiritual person but not necessarily religious.  This summer though, church has been a way to get out of the house into a space of comfort and maybe get up the nerve to talk to more people and expand my social network.  I haven't been quite as good at that last goal yet but I'll get there.

So I went to church this morning.  Today's focus was Moses and the Israelites in the years they wandered the desert wilderness after escaping slavery.  The land they escaped to had no water and lacked many other necessities and so the Israelites had quite a meltdown and spent their energies complaining to their leaders, Moses and Aaron.  God ultimately provided water from a rock (after Moses had a bit of his own meltdown) but didn't immediately deliver them to the promise land and ultimately replaced their leaders before the time came to do that.  This was a time of transition for the Israelites and likely an important time of growth before they were ready for the next phase in their lives.

I don't think you have to be a Christian or believe the Bible to see the message that meltdowns are a part of humanity even among our top leaders and that as tough as life gets, there can be grace in the end result.

I shed a few tears during the service although I think I was discrete enough I'm not sure anyone else noticed.  My voice was shaky through the last hymn.  And then when I went to shake the pastor's hand (something I usually skip as I head out the door), she pulled me in for a hug and I told her the sermon really hit home before slipping out the door, tears flowing freely at this point.  I had reached out to one of the other pastor's by e-mail Friday, so she may know the very basics of what I'm going through or she may not.

Sometimes it's learning that someone else cares that sets off the tears more than the actual grief I feel inside.  Maybe that's because I feel so alone in all this that to connect with another human touches me in a way I don't expect.

And then I let the tears continue to flow as I walked home.  I took the long way through my favorite park and sat down at what is becoming my regular park bench.  My niece texted me at that point which was such a wonderful distraction and then I noticed a cormorant swimming in the pond (a bird I had not seen at this park before) which was a further distraction.  So by the time I finished my walk home, I was pretty calm again.