External Validation

I'm a pretty self-motivated person.  I have learned to clap for myself and validate myself.  It's what allowed me to excel in so many ways over the last few decades despite the lack of any consistent external validation.  I am this way probably because of the lack of consistent external validation going all the way back to my childhood.

I've always been the quiet, well-behaved, reliable student and then employee who consistently turned in quality work on time.  Teachers, my parents, and then my managers could easily forget about me as they focused on those that needed more guidance, discipline, etc.  Even in my marriage, validation went only one direction - me to him.  He didn't have the bandwidth or consideration to spend any energy validating me despite all the energy I poured into validating him.  And I accepted that because that was the normal I knew.

But you know, it never stopped me from going further.  And maybe my way of trying to get noticed and recognized was to strive to do better and better and learn more and more.  Except it rarely works on any consistent basis.

So sometimes, like lately at work, I feel the loneliness of being invisible.  That was the mindset I was in this week on top of some of the grief the birthday text from the dealership had brought up.  It was a rough week.  And so when some pretty strong external validation came my way (twice), I leaned into it more than I normally would.  It meant more than I expected.  

Although I will admit, I had a moment where it didn't sit well with me as I recalled how miserable my ex-husband was (maybe still is?) because of how much he depended on external validation without being capable of cheering for himself.  

But I am not him.  And I deserve this.  I think I would actually benefit a lot from better letting external validation add to all the internal validation I already have going on.  Maybe we need both.  We need to feel seen and wanted by others and we need to see and want ourselves.

So let me tell you about what really lifted my spirits this week.  

First, we needed some assistance with medical coding questions and so the attorney I work with reached out and was referred to an experienced data analyst that I had previously met at a conference and whom I highly respect.  In advance of a phone call with her, my attorney sent my analysis of the data and allegations.  Her immediate e-mail back was "I am impressed.  This analysis is organized and detailed."  

And then we had a call with her where she further expressed how lucky my district was to have me and that most districts don't have some with my capabilities.  Although my e-mail signature clearly stated my title was paralegal, she referred to me as a "paralegal/auditor/analyst who likely wears many hats."  To have this come from a peer, who knows all the nitty gritty that goes into the work I do, give that praise, meant so much.

Second, this morning I got a call.  The caller ID showed it was coming from the Atlanta office I had interviewed with in the early fall.  It was the manager herself.  She had gotten word that they had been approved to post a second investigator position after the first of the year and she wanted me to know because she hoped I was still interested and would apply for it.  She took time out of her day to let me know this posting was coming.  She even offered to forward it to me when it was posted but then wondered if that would look bad coming from her (so clearly she doesn't usually call potential candidates like this).  I assured her that I would be looking for it so she didn't need to do that.

She went on to talk about a conversation she had with an attorney I had worked with in the Wisconsin office.  I assume my name came up because she asked him if he knew me.  She said he was so complimentary of me and talked about my data skills. And to think, he knew me before I truly had learned much about data!  I haven't worked with him since 2018.  He's not even one of my references currently because my skills are so much further along than what he knew.  Yet, he remembered me well and saw something in me even then.

Especially in this second interaction, I felt so seen and wanted.  I really hope it works out that I get to work with this team that does amazing work in Atlanta but even if it doesn't, it has been an external reminder of my value.  And that I will carry with me wherever I go.

So maybe it's not so much depending on the external validation but instead leaning on the people around me to remind me of the value I already see in myself.

"Oh Well"

I was telling my Mom about the text I received on his birthday from the dealership and how it made me feel and her response was "Oh well" before she changed the subject.  I think my Mom believes she is helping by encouraging me not to dwell on it plus I don't think she is all that comfortable with emotions in general.  But it came off as really dismissive.  I felt unheard.

But it was the next realization that bothered me more.  I had used those exact words on myself when I had been sharing this same story with a friend at work (shortly after I got the text).  And those words had been just as dismissive to myself.  With my friend, I followed it with a lighthearted, "it gives me something to blog about."  (In hindsight, that's actually a strange silver lining because the blog wouldn't exist if I hadn't experienced such loss and pain and I hope to someday soon to turn the last page on this divorce chapter in my life.)  

The phrase "oh well" is a regular part of my vocabulary.  And I can hear those words so clearly coming frequently from my Mom and I even hear my maternal Grandma's voice in my head saying those words, although I don't recall those specific circumstances.  

It is so ingrained in me to keep moving forward and not waste too much energy on my own emotions.  Honestly, it has served me well in learning how to pick myself back up.  But at what expense?  How often have I dismissed or minimized what I was feeling?  How much has that interfered with trusting my gut or advocating for myself?

And how much of my feelings of being unheard stem from not even listening to myself?

The Holidays

I was talking to a colleague yesterday who is just overwhelmed with all that comes with the holidays.  We talked about doing less and she told me about times she had tried to keep it very simple in the early years of her marriage and the holidays just didn't feel right.

I don't share that sentiment.  I am quite content with the quiet on the holidays.  Even while married, there were years we did very little, especially the years we lived so far away from home, and I maybe even enjoyed those years more.  But I seem to be an anomaly as every year I sit still while everyone else around me hustles and bustles.

What I am realizing though, this year, is that in their busyness people stop checking in on me and when I reach out, their responses are brief and a bit superficial.  My last substantial contacts with many of them go back to mid-October.  So it's not just spending the holidays themselves in quiet, it's an entire season of quiet.  And maybe that's a little too much quiet.

A Birthday Text Meant for my Ex

I got the following text message this afternoon addressed to my ex-husband.

It made me laugh and it felt really heavy, all in the same breath.  It's funny how emotions can be so mixed that way.

First, I didn't actually remember the Passat when I made the quick list the other day of cars.  But I do remember this dealership.  We bought at least three other cars from them.  It's been at least ten years since we've done business with them.  My cell phone number was our old landline so I'm not surprised that is the phone number they had in their files.  Obviously, the Passat is long gone, maybe even 15 cars long gone.  So it's a bit funny that they would think we still had the car.  

And it's a little ironic to be reminded of his birthday with an obsession of his that was his number one priority, something that I realized before we even married but managed to dismiss.  There is a lot of emotions wrapped up in that one statement - a grown man who invested more in inanimate objects than his marriage and a woman who accepted that as enough when it would just drain her.  I still feel some anger at both him and myself for that.

And of all the dealerships to have sent the text (and there were many!), this is the one I could describe to you in the most detail.  I don't remember specifically which car we were buying that day but this is the dealership where I remember laying on the floor in excruciating pain as I willed the time to pass quickly to finish the deal and paperwork.  It was late at night.  I don't think we had eaten dinner yet.  We were there after closing, although that wasn't actually all that uncommon - we did a lot of late night deals.  And I remember finding that it hurt to sit and it hurt to stand and it even hurt to lay but if I stretched I could relieve just a little bit of the pain.  My TENS unit and the medications I was taking weren't helping much that day.  I can't even imagine how filthy that floor was but I just didn't have the energy to care.

Today, as I revisit this memory, my back and hip pain have flared up.  Maybe it's because of the timing of the month - I sometimes feel a little pain as my period starts.  But this feels worse than normal so I have to wonder if my body is also physically remembering this experience.

And what gets me is I think back to the first time I told someone about this memory.  Actually twice, I remember telling the story.  The first time was last year to a good friend and former colleague as I was trying to make sense of the end of my marriage.  The second time was earlier this year to my therapist.  I don't know exactly what brought up the memory each time but I remember telling it as if this was the most normal thing to happen and the eyes of the listener got a little bigger as the story went on.  That's when I started to realize how many bad behaviors I had normalized.

A Daily Reminder of Joy

Last year, while walking the beach on Sanibel Island during a storm with my Dad, I took this selfie.

I love this photo so much because it embodies all the life, energy, and joy I reclaimed after the separation.  It is the spirit I want to carry with me through the rest of my life.  I want to measure all relationships by how much they allow this spirit to shine through.  So I made it my lock screen photo on my phone.  That way I look at it every day and have that reminder of joy over and over again.

I'm far from a vain person and so it was weird at first having my face looking back at me on my phone but I think it was overdue.

About a year has now passed since I took that photo and so this morning Facebook asked me if I wanted to use it to share a then vs now photo.  I opened up my photos app to see what the options were and found so many that reflected that same spirit so it didn't take me but a moment to find this one from the sail away party out of New Orleans two weeks ago.

I hope next year and each of the years after I have a whole new batch of selfies in the same spirit.  If I accomplish nothing else in life but lean into this spirit, I will have lived a great life.

Christmas Movies

So many people around me are talking about the "Hallmark" type Christmas movies they are watching.  I used to love watching them, even as predicable as they all are.  But I just can't this year or last year for that matter.  Last year, I was grieving the loss of my marriage and the last thing I wanted was reminders of love.

This year, I just keep thinking about those romance movies he became obsessed with in the end which seemed to match the fantasy he thought love was - the whirlwind romance, the effortless love, the never-ending chemistry, the highs without any real lows, the reliance on a partner to complete you, the lack of any day-to-day, women being the ones to primarily sacrifice, standards for beauty, etc.

And I feel a bit angry at the load of crap Hollywood sold our society and how easily too many people bought it.  So I'm still not watching Christmas movies this year, at least not that kind.  Maybe I'll go look for the Charlie Brown Christmas or Frosty or something like that.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the most amazing chicken noodle soup I made myself.  I made a huge pot today so I'll be eating good all week this week!

Intelligent Conversation

As I replay conversations and moments in my head from my trip, one thing that really stands out to me is the depth to one of the conversations I had with the man I had dinner with.  He turned to me and asked me a question about what I thought about the perception that younger people don't want to work.  And we got into a discussion about different generations' experiences with the corporate world in the US and a bit about how our country compares to other countries.  It was a thought-provoking conversation and I really felt like he listened to what I had to contribute and he had interesting thoughts of his own.  And maybe even more importantly, he was thinking about the larger world in a way that lead to asking the question in the first place.

I want more of those types of conversations and so I need to continue cultivating people who lean into intelligence and deeper thought vs be intimidated by it.  One thing I'm finding in common with these type of people is they are usually readers (or consumers of audiobooks).  That was definitely true in this case as we talked about what kinds of books we liked to read.

Recovering from illness

I picked up a bug somewhere, maybe on the cruise or train ride home.  I slept almost 11 hours last night and it was probably close to 10 hours the night before.  Each night, I crawled into bed shortly after 8.  

The one plus when I was married was that my ex-husband did his share and sometimes more of housework and so while I was sick I didn't have to worry about dishes or cleaning or any real cooking.  I don't have that benefit now but I also don't have someone with a higher standard of cleaning living with me and so if the dishes sit for a few days, it doesn't matter, or if the laundry doesn't get done until the weekend, it doesn't matter.  So maybe that's an even trade-off.

But what I think matters more is the energy in my apartment.  There is no negativity.  I don't have anyone's emotions to manage but my own.  I don't have to worry about whether he will be disappointed if I don't stay up late enough with him so we can go to bed at the same time.  I don't have to worry about being an inconvenience to him if I need something or respecting his need for distance as he fears catching whatever I have.

I just get to be, to sleep when I want, to eat what I want, to let my home get a little messy for the time being, to pour all my energy into my own healing.

And although it is hard to compare past illnesses to current ones, I feel like I heal faster.  I feel like I give my immune system what it needs to recover.  I really think the loss of that negative energy and stress along side the guilt-free sleep I now get make a world of a difference.

I do desperately need to grocery shop today so after I shower, I'm going to walk to the grocery store.  The fresh air might do me good.  But then I'm just going to enjoy a quiet day in reading and probably go to bed early again tonight.  

Finally, someone is taking good care of me, and that person is me. 

Reconnecting with myself

In reviewing some of my blog entries, I realize I was so disconnected from myself during my marriage.  I clung closely to the positive.  I accepted and shrunk to fit a "normal" that was anything but normal without question probably because I wasn't ready to face the answers to those questions as it would disrupt the loyalty and commitment values that I felt defined me.

My body tried to scream at me to get me to listen and yet I ignored it.  My ex-husband's repeated attempts (whether intentional or not) to sabotage our relationship were met with my fierce determination to fight for us out of my loyalty when I should have believed what they said about him.  I suspect I suppressed many uncomfortable feelings and fears.

I floated through life too much.

I don't know that I had thought about it this way until today but I think part of the last year and a half has really been about reconnecting with myself.  I listen to my body a whole lot more.  I can't always pinpoint  right away the reasons for a change in my body but I notice then and they then become a puzzle to figure out.

And I'm so much more aware of how people around me make me feel, how we fit together, how we share space, etc.  I now use those cues to make decisions about how, where, and with whom I spend my time.  That was an interesting aspect to my trip.  I talked to quite a few people and with every interaction, I spend a lot of time just observing - their behaviors and words, my behaviors and words, and how I felt about it all.

I feel like I move through life with more intention and I think that goes back to being better connected to myself, to how I feel, to what I want, to what I think I can contribute, to who I am, etc.  

I hope going forward I continue to value that connectedness enough to keep coming back to it and that I recognize the importance of loyalty and commitment to myself first.  The right relationships won't ask me to compromise myself.

Understanding why I made a repeated decision

I was asked why I made a particular choice over and over again in therapy last night and I had no answer in the moment.  I'm still not sure I fully understand my reasons.  Maybe I put more thought into it the first time or two or maybe I just went off my gut based on internalized beliefs, values, experiences, intuitions, etc.

In the two decades my husband and I were together, we bought more than twenty cars.  When I sat down this morning to jot down a quick list without putting too much thought into it, I easily came up with 24 cars and I know I'm forgetting some.  This was his thing.  If I had been alone, I suspect, I would have owned 2-4 cars in that time frame.  

The realization that made me pause last night was the fact that I insisted on being listed on the loan and title of every single one of those cars except a pickup truck he bought during the pandemic (and understandably the car the he bought while we were engaged, he wasn't on the loan or title to the car I bought during that time period either).  And I remember feeling uncomfortable with my decision to not be involved in the purchase of the pickup truck.

I intentionally put myself through more than 24 car purchases because something inside of me told me it was important that my name be on these debts/assets.  This wasn't my ex-husband wanting me to be a part of every deal.  He would have happily done any number of them on his own.  This was my decision each time.  And for me to make a decision that added so much hassle and even pain to my life, I had to have felt pretty strongly about it.

I think it started because the example I had was from my parents.  Although my Dad primarily handled finances, he included my Mom in everything, made sure she understood and was aware of everything, and had a say in everything.  I grew up hearing them talk finances.  It was a partnership.  He valued her participation.

So I went into marriage expecting to be an active participant in things like this.

Then as our marriage progressed I observed some things that I think confirmed my need to always be named on assets.

First was probably the relationship between his uncle (his mom’s brother) and his aunt.  He bought cars at a faster rate than even my ex-husband did and never involved his wife.  She was fairly disabled by the time I met her and didn’t get out as much so I suspect she didn’t even know about some of his car purchases.  My ex-husband’s uncle was also incredibly dismissive of his wife and treated her like a burden. I don’t know what their relationship was like earlier on but it definitely wasn’t a partnership when I knew them.  In hindsight, I see a lot of similarities between my ex-husband and his uncle.  I wonder if subconsciously that concerned me.

Second, there was an acceleration in how often he wanted to replace our cars.  What started as every three years ultimately became every six months.  In later years, we had this push/pull dynamic where I tried to slow him down a little.  By insisting on being a part of every deal, I had just a little bit more control over the timeline.

And then it was watching the financial struggles of his mom after his dad got sick and ultimately passed away - the uneven retirement accounts when we started talking about applying for Medicaid, the cars being in his name only, her lack of knowledge about their finances, etc.  It was then I insisted we work to balance our retirement accounts out more and I felt confirmation of the importance of staying involved in it all.

And in hindsight, I’m starting to think I maybe knew on a subconscious level that our marriage wouldn’t last.  All the steps I took to be involved and keep things balanced greatly helped (both of us honestly) when it came time to divorce.

Handling my own finances

We are coming to the end of the tax year.  I've spent a lot of time over the past six months especially thinking about my investing, saving, spending plan.  Did my ex-husband ever have a real clear plan for all that?  I wonder.  

He definitely had a goal of planning for retirement which aligned closely with what I wanted.  But we never talked about how we were managing the rest of our money - how we wanted to spend it, what we wanted to keep in savings, whether we wanted to do any non-retirement investing.  I probably let him handle finances too much.  I was aware of all he was doing but I trusted his judgment.  As an accountant, I thought he had more knowledge than I do in this area.  Now, I'm beginning to think he was too spontaneous and dependent on instant gratification to really have a plan beyond knowing we needed to save for retirement.

So this week, I sat down with my latest paystub and banking apps, found the current year tax tables, and estimated taxes I would owe and the impact of adjusting my retirement contributions for this last paycheck.  And I'm spending some time looking over my entire spending and saving for the year.

I feel really empowered.  Even after more than a year, I still surprise myself at how capable I am.  

I sometimes wonder how much more we could have accomplished if I had been more involved in our finances.  Although, that would have bruised his ego too much.  If he was resentful of my opinions on other topics, imagine how resentful he would have been related to the topic he was supposedly the expert in.  

I think it bothered him enough when I ended up handling our taxes those first years while he was exhausted working 80+ hours.  And that year early on when I found us another tax deduction we were eligible for that he had missed.  And in later years as he watched my HSA investment choices far outgrow his choices for his own HSA.  I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised I can handle this.

I think he had a greater negative effect on my confidence than I want to admit.  And so my renewed sense of confidence feels a bit foreign right now as it is new.

His best interests over Our best interests

My mind is pulling me in many different directions tonight as I have two trips I'm working on, am working on some budgeting, and wanted to see if I could do a little tax planning.  And I keep getting distracted.

As I was debating whether or not to use hotel points for any of my stays, I went searching for a spreadsheet I thought my ex-husband had started before we separated about points redemptions.  

In a Google Drive folder I found a travel folder with a subfolder for every trip we took together - eagle watching on the Mississippi, a road trip to Winnipeg, our 10 year anniversary trip to Canada and New England, the southern Caribbean cruise with his parents before his Dad got sick, Galapagos, the work trip I followed him on to Houston, etc.  

I had a few moments of nostalgia until I realized the spreadsheet I was looking for wasn't there, one tracking points redeemed on the hotel credit card I was primary on.  But there was a spreadsheet tracking points redeemed on the hotel credit card where he was primary.  That sits heavy - he cared about whether his credit card was worth it but not mine.

And that brings to mind an argument we had in a hotel that summer he was waffling on whether to divorce me or not.  We had gone to watch the bats emerge from the cave at night.  I don't remember quite what we were arguing about at breakfast but I remember pointing out to him that he would get the points from that hotel stay since it was on his account.  In that moment, everything felt unfair to me.  He was so angry at that comment that I remember trying to backpedal.  

But it was because I had hit too close to the truth.  We had favored his hotel credit card brand.  In going back through my calendar, I'm struggling to find stays at my hotel credit card brand before the separation.  He wasn't tracking points redemptions for my credit card because he didn't care - he didn't plan to stay with me and wouldn't benefit from any points we earned on my behalf.  He was only interested in what he could get out of it and he left the marriage with a shit load of hotel points.

I guess it's just one more way he was solely focused on his best interests instead of our best interests.  I just wish I had seen it better.  I wish I hadn't been so naive as I focused on our best interests completely oblivious to the fact that he was working against that.

At least I got out when I did so I can now focus on my best interests.  And my best interests involve getting some hotels booked tonight for trips I want to take.

The quiet

I walked in the door of my apartment yesterday evening and was immediately met with quiet.  At first, it almost felt like an empty quiet.  And I suppose that is because it had been empty for a week and a half.  I had taken my life and energy with me on my trip.

It was a transition moment between what was for the past week and a half and the day to day of life I will get back to building.  I will admit that I just dropped my bags and sat with it for a moment.

At first it scared me.  I remembered a similar feeling after the last cruise that in that case was followed by processing the grief from the anniversary trip I went on without him, grief I hadn't had a chance to process in the moment because I was so surrounded by family.  So I was scared there was some unprocessed grief from this trip I wasn't aware of that would soon follow - the extreme lows that so often have followed the extreme highs over the past year and a half.

I eventually got up and mostly unpacked, tried to do some reading, and then went to bed early.  Now, here I am the next morning still thinking about the quiet.

I think this time it truly just is a transition moment.  Maybe they happened after every trip (and in other scenarios) but there was always noise to cover them up.  Also, maybe my transitions are bigger this year since my growth is so much bigger and so they are more noticeable.  It's understandable that may feel a bit unsettling at times.

Let's go see what I can bring from this trip into my daily life.  Time to head to work.

Imagining what today would have been like with my ex-husband by my side

They say "comparison is the thief of joy" and I agree that holds true in many, maybe even most circumstances.  But the comparisons I find myself making these days are between what I experienced in my marriage and what I experience now.  Those comparisons for me actually further highlight my joy because I find myself reveling in this newfound freedom to lean into it, maybe because I understand now the alternative.

I stepped out from the cruise terminal to a light rain which picked up a bit as I walked.  I had over a mile walk to my hotel.  At one point, I paused worried my backpack and camera bag each with electronics were getting too wet and pulled out the cheap poncho I had brought with.  I didn't use it to cover myself, I used it to cover my stuff.  And then I realized I stood in front of this beautiful Christmas tree surrounded by palm trees outside of Caesar's Casino so I paused a little longer as the rain continued to fall to admire the scene and take some photos.

I stopped again when I saw trolleys approaching in the distance to wait for them so I could admire them and snap a few photos and videos.

And through it all my smile got bigger and bigger as I was reminded of how differently this walk would have been with my ex-husband by my side.  He would have started complaining probably at breakfast as he saw it was a rainy day in New Orleans.  He would have focused all his efforts on making sure his body was protected from the rain, leaving me to worry about our stuff.  And he would have been so irritated if I had wanted to stop to admire a tree or a trolley or take a photo or video.  We would have rushed to the hotel instead the leisurely walk I enjoyed.

And then upon arriving at the hotel and finding out a room wasn't ready, he would have wanted to park himself in the hotel lobby and wait.  Now on my own, I instead had the hotel hold my luggage and headed back out in the rain and spent a full day out and about including a two hour jazz sightseeing cruise where I sat outside.  By the time I made it back to the hotel, my body was chilled to the bone and my feet were so sore I feared I couldn't take another step but I still had a big smile on my face because it had been such a great day and worth the chill and tired feet.

When you focus on the joy in the experience, the effort to get there becomes worth it.  I said something this week when I was chatting with one of my new friends that is another great example of this.  I don't particularly like the process of snorkeling - the breathing through a snorkel, the face in the salt water, etc. yet I find so much joy in the underwater world that the effort to snorkel becomes worth it.  But if I were to focus on the negative (or let my ex-husband's complaints about the negatives affect me), it would become harder to see that joy.

And now I don't have to filter out his negativity as I reach for the joy.  And that is so liberating.

This trip is coming to an end

My suitcase is sitting outside my cabin.  I've enjoyed an amazing dinner at Food Republic and had my last drinks of the night.  And I've crawled in bed to unwind on this last night of the cruise.  Not quite ready to sleep, this seems like the perfect time to spend a moment reflecting.

Most importantly, I really like myself and my company and I thrive traveling solo.  I'm not afraid to sit at dinner by myself and actually prefer it at times.  I book that tour on my own or wander that city on my own and feel empowered doing so.  I don't need to wait for anyone to live life.

I gravitate towards people who both uplift others and live their own lives to their fullest and distance myself from people who don't have those qualities.  And when I find those people, their joy just bubbles over into my own (and hopefully vice versa) and I find myself opening up and enjoying connecting with them.

This mindset that it is not worth paying much for food has to go to the wayside.  There are plenty of times where I will prefer just grabbing something quick and cheap but I need to stop dismissing all the more quality food experiences.  Tonight I paid an uncharge for dinner, something I have never done on a cruise before but it was such an amazing experience with great food, a different ambience, and a treat.

It's okay to do things differently.  As someone who in the past would have walked every inch of the ship, I never did find the gingerbread house (and I'm sure many other things).  I also missed almost every sail in and sail away, two things I never missed on previous cruises.  This cruise wasn't normal for me in a lot of ways but it was exactly what I needed.  

I'm happy in a way I never knew I could be and that is a beautiful thing.  

At this is the point in the blog post, my eyes started closing so I closed my laptop and am picking up on this reflection the next morning as I sit in the District Brewhouse waiting for my tag to be called to disembark.

I need to keep leaning into my quirkiness that is so fun and unique to me.  The evening I wore the sparkly black pants and red top, I had a few moments where I felt so out of place.  This cruise line is among the most casual and so a large majority were in shorts and t-shirts.  But I felt amazing wearing the outfit and I saw it bring smiles to other people's faces.  

I also am getting more and more comfortable not worrying about what people think when they see me in a dress or swimsuit with unshaved legs and armpits.  Even as someone who has always danced to the beat of her own drum, it still sometimes is hard to go against the grain.

I can actually talk to people!  And I enjoy it!  I met all kinds of people at the bars, the solo lounge, and even in the thermal suite.  A young man even recognized me later in the cruise and commented to his friend "that's the cool girl from the solo lounge."

It really has been an amazing trip filled with so much fun, joy, peace, and even growth.  I can't wait for the next.  I've got a trip planned with my parents in January and I'm sure I'll do a few short weekend trips throughout next year.  And then my next big solo trip will be next December - a few days in Puerto Rico before taking a cruise to the southern Caribbean.

A man I met while on vacation

Two evenings and a lunch - that's the time I had to get to know this man I met at the wine bar.  Do these count as dates?  

Conversation flowed really easily and the silences felt comfortable.  We found many things in common.  Politically I think we are fairly well aligned.  I suspect we have a lot of values in common.  He seemed very kind.  

And his energy just didn't quite match mine.  I don't know quite how to describe it.  As we walked through the ship together, he followed my lead and almost felt like that shadow I lost last year.  Not in the sense that he is a negative person - all our conversations were upbeat and I had the feeling he saw the positive in life.  But maybe more in the sense that he was more content sitting back and letting life happen to him.  And although he sometimes expressed guilt about my card being used for drinks, he didn't put a lot of effort into changing that.  He was content to let someone else lead him around.

This last year or so has taught me how important energy is.  If I'm going to add someone to my life, it needs to be someone who is going to proactively create the life they want not wait for it to happen to them and someone who will want to stand next to me as a partner, not as a leader or a follower.

We said our goodbyes after lunch.  He told me he isn't looking for a relationship right now but would enjoy continued friendship with me.  He gave me his phone number.  He took a selfie of us with his phone and joked that if I wanted a copy of the photo, I would have to text him.  He encouraged me to contact him if I ever wanted to hang out either in his city or mine.

I don't yet know what I will do with his number.  But I enjoyed getting to know him and it was fun seeing his joy when I showed him a few secrets of the cruise ship.

Photos

Sometimes a photo is worth more than a thousand words so today I share three photos.  Over the years, I have had photos taken by the ships' photographers on many, many cruises.  My ex-husband used to hate it when I dragged him around to a few of the setups but it cost nothing but our time to take them and I have always loved dressing up on cruises so wanted to capture it.

We bought a few of the photos over the years that were decent but in general I never felt like I photographed well.  My smile never looked quite right, nor did his. 

Fast forward to this year, I first took photos on the Zuiderdam cruise in June and found two good enough to buy and take home.  My smile was starting to show through on that cruise.  And then I took some this week with absolutely no intention of buying more as I had the two from June.

But wow, look at these!

I don't even recognize this woman.  There is so much joy in her smile and even her eyes, especially that first one.  And the second one has so much spunk in it.  And the calm in that last one.  

I don't know why but I'm tearing up as I write this and really look at these photos.  I think it is a mix of awe at how far I've come, a whole lot of gratitude for this second chance to write my story, and a fair bit of grief at the joy and full life I missed out on for two decades of my life.

The woman in these photos is so full of life and has a beauty that bubbles out from within.

Dinner and drinks

I had dinner with a man tonight.  And before that we conversed over wine at the wine bar.  And after dinner we went to the brewhouse to listen to live music.

He's ten years older than me and lives 90 miles away from me.   I haven't had dinner with another man in over two decades. Although we had a rocky start.  He was drinking moscato and questioning me about music, something I had no knowledge on.  But at some point after that, conversation just flowed.

I think he likes me.  I don't know yet if I like him.  I don't know if I want to like someone yet.  I'm having fun by myself!

I'm going to bed now.  This is too much for me and I stayed out way past my bedtime.

Finding comfort in my own presence

I walked into the wine bar about an hour or so ago.  I’m sipping wine and taking my time.  I’m on no schedule but my own.  No one is looking at me irritated that I ordered another glass.  I’m enjoying this slow pace.

I’ve actually interacted with the bartender, something I wouldn’t have had the energy for before.  The basket of sesame sticks are all mine!

I’ve upgraded on every glass of wine, including a splurge of Vueve Cliquot without worrying about what he would have thought about the cost.  I’m finding I actually am spending more on experiences, food, and drink than we ever would have.  That is what I am enjoying.

As I sit here, I get to people watch and get lost in my own thoughts.  My world is smaller on the ship when I’m alone.  I don’t feel a need to try the water slides, check out the arcade, explore every deck, etc.  I had that experience on the Joy last year as well.  As I stood in line to disembark that cruise, I realized I was walking through spaces I had never stepped foot in during the cruise.

Sometimes I wonder if I have become too comfortable in my own presence but I’m just enjoying this so much.  Maybe I need this time to let the pendulum swing the other way, in my favor for a bit before I find the right balance.  Maybe it’s finding the security on my own that will help me see with clarity any potential relationship (platonic or romantic).  Maybe it will give me discernment to focus only on those relationships that add value.

The Thermal Suite

I booked a pass to the thermal suite for this week long cruise, something I have never done before so I'm learning as I go.  It has been more than I expected, although to be honest, I didn't know what to expect.  Over a day and a half, I've already spent almost eight hours there.  Every time I go, I get a little better at slowing my mind down.

That first morning, it was more novelty than anything else as I tried to experience it all.  Last evening I went back, leaving my phone and journal behind to just be present in it all and it was a whole different experience.

The steam room keeps calling me back and so at lunch today, I tried to put into words why I was connecting so much with that experience.  I think it is because it is such a unique experience that involves all the senses and thus slows me down.  Here is a draft of the short poem I wrote.

into the darkness I enter

my eyes try to adjust

the steam suffocates

I reach for the seat and sit

I breathe deeply

heat fills my lungs

moisture drips off my nose

I exhale slowly

the warmth of the bench

the water at my feet

the dampness settling on my hair

I notice it all

my vision still cloudy

the thoughts in my mind calm

and then rest completely

I breathe

I also had a massage on embarkation evening and between that experience and my experience using the jets in the thalassotherapy pool, I have discovered that my hips are not tight anymore.  There used to be a spot on the outside of each hip that was tender just from the lightest pressure.  That pain is gone, pain that that I experienced through most of my marriage.  It was actually my shoulders the massage therapist spent the most time.  It was one more reminder of the stress that has been removed from my life, the negative impact to my nervous system that is now gone.

Sometimes I wonder how he would react if he knew the full extent to the negative impact he had on my physical and mental health.  There was a time where I thought it would break him because I didn't believe he would intentionally hurt him.  I remember him recoiling when I pointed out a specific behavior was manipulative in that last summer as it ended.  I don't remember the specific behavior but he sure put on a show about how awful it was to be perceived as manipulative.  Note, I hadn't called him manipulative, I had been speaking about a specific behavior.  Now I wonder how much of an act it all was and if he got a bit of pleasure out of seeing me hurt.

Anyway, this isn't what I want to be focusing on this trip and it honestly doesn't matter.

What matters now is that my body and mind are healing and the thermal spa has been so wonderful in slowing my brain down and sitting with the beauty of the quiet.