A moment of loneliness

The lights were bright.  The buildings stood tall.  A coolness settled over my damp, humid skin.  My feet knew their way home.  I didn't even bother to look at street signs or count blocks.  Yet the streets felt so foreign.  This might have been my first moment of loneliness here in Atlanta.

I paused in a courtyard, sat down on a bench, and felt my mind spinning a million miles away.  I stared off into nothing, not really seeing the people that passed by.  Until I was startled by a roach that had climbed up next to me.

I stood indecisively.  I wasn't sure I was ready to go home but I couldn't stay here.  I contemplated walking into one of the restaurants and taking a seat at the bar.  I could turn in least three directions to restaurants I had visited before that felt familiar and walk into any one of them.  But I didn't.  I pointed my feet towards the exit of the courtyard and continued my walk home.

I had dinner with seven strangers tonight.  One was an extra.  I thought it would only be six of us which probably would have been just right.  The app revealed it would actually be seven. Eight made it two too many.

It was a strange dynamic.  The men dominated yet one had the gall to tell me not to be a wallflower and jump right in without taking a pause himself.  I didn't like him.  He told a story portraying himself as a victim when I doubt he was actually the victim.  He brought up politics to dismiss others.  He liked to hear himself talk.

Another had absolutely no interest in participating in any part of the conversation where he couldn't be the focus.  He had only two modes - dominate or disappear looking annoyed.

The conversations were superficial.  Very few questions were asked.  There was a lack of curiosity.  

There were two women on the other side of the table I would have liked to talk to but I couldn't really hear them.  They were too far away.

I left feeling disconnected and disappointed so I wandered the streets a bit aimlessly as I had a moment where I wondered how I got here.

I forget how long it takes to form strong connections.  I'm impatient.  But if I'm honest with myself, the last two years in Birmingham wasn't quite long enough to get connections to where I wanted them.  So why did I think I would be further along in just over six weeks in Atlanta?

I'll book another one - another dinner, maybe a Saturday coffee.  The one thing that stuck with me was a comment from someone who has done more than 30 of these dinners.  He said he meets new people with each one.  With different people every time, the dynamics will also be different.

And I have to remind myself that my first weeks here have been pretty darn impressive - the walking group including our lunch afterwards one Saturday, dinner with a new friend, captain of a bocce ball team, finding a book club that I will finally get to meet with next week, all the places I have explored on my own, and now dinner tonight.