One thing I really liked about Time Left is that it is supposed to be restaurants in my neighborhood, specifically Midtown/Ponce. I'm situated such that any restaurant actually in that area would be no more than 1.5 miles from my home, a distance I was willing to walk.
For a moment, I looked at parking only to see there were only pay lots around the restaurant. To be honest, I didn't really want to drive even if there was easy parking. I moved to Midtown to live a walkable life. I looked at the train and bus routes and none seemed all that convenient and I knew they would run less frequently later in the evening after a late dinner got out.
I wrote the company to see if there was any other option before I clicked cancel, only to get a response about how sometimes they have to find restaurants in neighboring areas. I live in one of the most densely populated areas with more restaurants than I will ever be able to try in my lifetime and it is a Wednesday night, one of the less busy nights at restaurants, so this just sounded like bullshit. So I cancelled.
I was disappointed. I had been looking forward to dinner.
Then at work, I buried myself in the daunting task of reviewing 70 webinars related to a case we are working on. With a looming deadline, I knew I had to find a way to make short work of getting through them all. I even worked through most of my lunch. And then as the day was ending, I looked at the clock, shocked to see it was already 4:27 p.m. My work hours end at 4. I guess that means the day went fast but being not even a third of the way through my list, the task seemed daunting and the other tasks I was not getting to were piling up.
This evening before I rummaged for some food in a mostly empty fridge, I cleaned up the kitchen counter which included a large stemless wine glass I bought years ago with an Andrew Jackson quote on it that I often use for San Pellegrino. I paused at the quote. I couldn't remember the last time I had actually paused to read it.
"I was born for a storm, and a calm does not suit me."
I remember buying the wine glass because of how much that quote resonated with me.
Now.... I just see the self-deception and self-gaslighting.
I struggle with the cognitive dissonance. I never would have described my life or marriage as a storm. I would have described both as good or at least good enough. Yet on the shelves of my cabinets sat this quote that I had chosen for a reason contradicting all of what I had convinced myself of.
Sadly, it's not the only physical evidence that contradicts the beliefs I had gaslit myself into believing. There was the painting inspired by the song "Two Sparrows in a Hurricane" and the one of a black hole sucking up a butterfly and the abstract one of the outside looking in - all paintings that I had created and kept displayed. All three are on the walls of my living room now even.
And there are all the memories I have where I stole moments away from him to seek out the calm.
I've often told people that I don't hang onto regrets because I firmly believe I made the best decision at the time with the information I had available to me then. I'm struggling a bit more with that realizing that I did have the information I needed. I just couldn't fit that information in with the beliefs I hung onto so tightly as I coped with what I was experiencing.
My friend encouraged me to forgive my younger self. I will. Eventually.
I should go start my book club book. That was my plan tonight after my plans got cancelled. There isn't much of the night left.
But first, I think I need to listen to Dolly Parton's "Light of a Clear Blue Morning".
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