It's been about a year since it all took a turn.

 My ex-husband spent the first two weeks of May in Philadelphia for work.  It was one of many trips to Philadelphia that spring.  That first weekend of May while he was on the east coast, he had some colleagues took a day trip to NYC.  This is the e-mail he sent me very early that Saturday morning (May 4, 2024).

Good morning my love!

Sorry I didn’t get the chance to send you good night well wishes last night earlier, there was a lot of planning going on to get to NY!

(Paragraph about their details of their trip.) 

I wish you were with, I miss you! But we have our own private train room to go to NY together in the not too distant future ;). Hopefully you have a nice weekend yourself. Now for tomorrow, I’ll need some R&R, lol.

Love,

Things seemed good at that point.  But when he came back a week later, things felt off and so I asked him about it.  He told me he was questioning our relationship because he didn't miss me like he thinks he should miss a wife.  (He couldn't explain how he thinks he should miss a wife.). He was otherwise very vague.  He was only home for about a week before he headed to New Orleans for some union training.  Our communications seemed even more off while he was on that trip so before he headed home, I sent him this e-mail (May 22, 2024).

I just wanted you to know that I’m not doing okay being left so deep in the dark with no idea what the issues are or when you might be ready to talk or whether you will decide on your own to walk away without even giving us a chance to talk.

It’s also really eating away at trust because if you can’t talk to me about us and have kept the issues from me long enough to get to a point like this, I wonder what else you are keeping from me. I don’t know how to trust someone who doesn’t trust me.

I’m really trying to give you the space you need and to be patient, especially since I’m sure your Mom is heavy on your mind too now. But you may be asking more of me than I am able to give.

I hope when you get home you can find ways to share more with me. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know what is important to you.

Love,

We did talk when he got home.  He didn't make a lot of sense.  He seemed to be viewing me and our relationship through a pair of really dirty glasses that couldn't see any of the good at all and had exaggerated even the smallest bad.  

On May 27, 2024, a few days after he had returned from that New Orleans trip, I wrote the following in a document on my laptop to help me process.  I suppose that was the true start of the blog.

How do I recognize when my love is unrequited? Or maybe the better question is once I recognize it is unrequited, how do I accept it?

In some moments, I believe I should walk away. A marriage where one partner refuses to be transparent and lets resentment and unhappiness build up for years isn’t really one worth fighting for especially when he has shown that he will not change. So why do I hang on?

A marriage where one partner focuses so much on the negative that he is completely oblivious to the good, isn’t really one worth fighting for. So why do I keep fighting for us?

Why did I fight so hard for us 6 years ago when these things were just as true then as they are now?

And then I am reminded of all the laughter and smiles, of the memories made, of the little moments shared, of the texts exchanged simultaneously expressing the same thought as if we were one. I think of the plans we have made, the goals we have set, and the way we worked together to set those goals.

I think of the little caresses, the cuddles before drifting off, the moments our eyes would meet and connect.

I think of all the amazing moments I never would have experienced without him and how many more of those moments life could bring our way in the future.

And I am sad. The tears run down my eyes. My heart is breaking. The pain is deep. There is an anger that is likely cover for the grief. There is fear. There is so much uncertainty over something that is so far out of my control. And I wait. How long do I wait? How long can my heart break like this before it comes numb? What will our relationship even look like on the other side if we come out together? Can it recover from this sense of betrayal, a deterioration of trust? Yet, I still wait. Why? And I still love. And I still search his eyes for the love I always thought I saw there. But is it really love I have seen or is it just a reflection of my own love?

He pretended so well that I didn’t see this coming. His smiles seemed so genuine. His interest seemed so sincere. When I asked how he thought we were doing, he said he felt good about us. But he was lying. He made plans for the future with me, dreamed of cruising once again on the ship where we were married, and so we booked that ship for the year of our 20th anniversary, in the exact cabin of our honeymoon. We picked it for my family’s vacation. Yet he tells me even when we were making those plans he had doubts. And now I may sail without him on the ship where we were married, not having quite made it to 20 years. With all my family booked it is not a cruise I can back out of. That pain cuts deep. How will I walked the lounges of that cruise ship, eat dinner in the main dining room, or watch the sunrise without thinking of him.

How long can I live with this pain? How long can I feel the stress on my body, the sleepless nights, the flare of the pain, the loss of appetite? How much can I endure? How long must I wait?

How long until I stop fighting? At what point do I say enough is enough? Will I regret if I walk away before this fully plays out?

I likely will never know what switch flipped between May 4 and that week in mid-May when he was home between trips.  The weeks that followed were painful as he seemed to look for every excuse to leave.  I really think he had already made his decision by the time I sensed the change in mid-May because none of our conversations seemed to at all be focused on him honestly trying to figure things out with us - none of them were about issues he actually wanted to resolve.

I don't quite not where to leave this entry.  I've gained so much from a new start yet he still lives rent free in my head.  I have so much joy and promise for a new future yet there is still so much sadness inside of me.  Maybe it's a reminder that I live deeply.  It is on the darkest nights that the stars seem the brightest.  You can't fully appreciate the joy if you haven't walked through some dark nights.