I guess that really explains why I was content in the bubble with mostly just my ex-husband while we were married. He met my need for companionship and so the anxieties around navigating other friendships just didn't seem worth it at the time - I know better now!
So with the date of what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary looming on the empty calendar square for next Wednesday, I decided I wanted to make some plans for myself, ideally surrounding myself with people who I've started connecting with.
My thoughts went immediately two different ways. I could invite the woman I had gotten to know at work who had recently left for another job. She has been a great support to me over the last year. Or I could reach out to the group of women I had wine and cheese with a couple months ago. I had left that night feeling like these were my people in a way I hadn't really experienced before.
The next step was the hardest - actually reaching out. I always feel like I'm imposing on or interrupting others when I send them a text or e-mail or give them a call. I'm sure it is not usually received that way. I think of the joy I receive when I hear from someone or get an invitation from them. But knowing that doesn't calm my mind.
So I went for a walk, found a spot to stop on a bridge and watch the Amtrak come in, and then drafted (in a separate app) a text to the group of women, edited it countless times, and finally held my breath as I hit send. My heart beat a bit faster as I repeatedly reassured myself that the worst that could happen is they would say "no".
And then back at my desk at work the replies started coming in. "Oh, I'd love that! Thanks for the invite!" and "Consider it a date... and our little group will be a new and improved "imprint" for June 4... love u". I couldn't hold back the tears especially as that second one came in. I don't even know how to describe the emotions that were running through me - relief that the responses were positive, grief that the day wouldn't be spent with my husband, awe at these women who wanted to be there for me, and such an overwhelming feeling of being loved. It was such an amazing feeling colored by a sad undertone if that makes sense.
And then the third woman responded asking if she could bring the person she has started dating. I have met this person on two occasions and had brief conversations with them. They seem very nice and I probably would enjoy getting to know them more. But I was overwhelmed at the idea of adding someone I didn't really know on a day that likely will be emotional and feared the dynamic would change with a couple.
I didn't respond right away - to be fair, I was in the middle of work but I also needed time to figure out how to respond. I wanted to say no but this was still a very new friendship group so I didn't know how fragile our bonds were yet. I also didn't know how the others would feel about this addition. And then she texted "No pressure, dear ones."
And so I composed a text that said I would like to get to know her partner more sometime but would really prefer this evening be just the four of us. And she responded "Of course!"
So here I am, an introvert who pushed through her anxieties and now has plans to make June 4 mean something different with some amazing women that care about me.
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