I always thought it was a healthy approach to relationships because it allowed me to just enjoy the time I do get with people without being clouded by disappointment. I still do think there is a healthy aspect to that. But have I taken it too far?
My closest local friend has been inconsistent since the separation - texts unanswered, weeks passing without any contact, get togethers few and far between. I'm sure part of it was timing - she has two young children at home, runs her own business, and has aging parents that need attention. My response to this was to just go out and find other friends. Although I would have liked more support from her, I hadn't actually expected it so I moved on to find people who would step up for me. I didn't waste time on disappointment. I haven't let it affect my ability to enjoy my time with her when she is available and follows through (which does happen ocassionally).
When it came to my marriage, I expected that he would take our vows seriously enough that he wouldn't just walk away without any effort. I also expected him to be honest and transparent with me about the things we were jointly making decisions about. That seemed reasonable to expect of someone I was sharing life, finances, and a future with. But I'm not sure I expected much else of him, definitely not much on an emotional level.
As an enneagram five who was raised to be independent, had to learn to manage my own emotions on my own at a fairly young age, and who had that reinforced in relationships that span into adulthood, I had learned to take care of myself. So it didn't feel like a big deal when people didn't come through for me. There wasn't a big risk in not expecting much.
But has this just become a coping skill that is affecting my relationships? Am I just avoiding disappointment in a way that is preventing something deeper by not expecting more? Where is the healthy line when it comes to expectations in relationships?
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