The ability to see both sides

As an Enneagram five, I can be more objective than many of the other types because I have the ability to see both sides.  That doesn't mean I don't still have blind spots or that I'm always right in how I perceive the other side but it is a significant part of my thought process.  The danger in that is that it becomes too easy for me to rationalize other people's behaviors by giving their side more weight than my own.

So I took a walk this evening.  The rain had mostly stopped.  The city was eerily quiet with a strong full moon vibe.  So in between moments of alertness, I let my mind wander.  Often my best thinking happens when my feet are moving.

I thought about the local friend I had going back to before the separation.  She is one half of a couple's friend and someone I have really connected with since moving to this state more than six years ago.  I'm a bit shamed to admit she was my only real friend when the separation happened.  I didn't understand how important community was during my marriage and I struggle to make friends and I didn't have the energy.

Unfortunately, she wasn't able to be there for me in my toughest months.  She still isn't there for me.  I don't hear from her very often.  She doesn't check in.  She doesn't even always respond to my texts.  And she seems to cancel plans more than she actually follows through.  I wrote about her a bit in my post last week about Expectations and Avoidance.  

What I realized today was that my ability to see her side and all that was overfilling her schedule (the young children, her own business, aging parents, involvement in her community, etc.) made it easy to excuse her not prioritizing me at all.  And yes, some of those things should absolutely be prioritized over me but if she had truly wanted to be there for me, she would have found a way even if it was just short phone calls or texts on a more regular basis or planning more lunches during the workweek when we both work just a few blocks apart.

And I think I did the same with my ex-husband.  I saw how dysfunctional his relationship with his mom was and how much that was still affecting him.  I knew his childhood was ful of bullies both at school and at home.  I could see how that had so significantly affected his self-worth and ability to have a healthy perspective of life.  And so I excused his behaviors and kept my expectations low.  I found a way to be content with what he could give even if I deserved more.

I didn't speak up enough and try to hold him accountable for the way his behaviors were negatively impacting me and our marriage.  I accepted that I would just have to tread carefully as I tried to navigate boundaries with his mom to try and protect myself a little bit that didn't push him away.

I minimized the effect I was experiencing on my side by giving more weight to his side.