So back to this weekend, one year ago today, we took an overnight trip to northern Alabama to watch the bats exit Sauta Cave. We had been there once before and it really is quite a sight to see hundreds of thousands of gray bats all exit to feed for the night.
We met a woman starting a YouTube channel. My ex-husband struck up a conversation with her - he was always better at that in public, I usually shied away from people. I remember him bragging to her about the YouTube channel I had created. That seems even weirder to write it out. The man who wanted to divorce me was bragging about me to other people.
Overall, it was a really fun evening but over breakfast at the hotel the next morning, we were back to talking about divorce. I remember that the fact that he would get the Marriott points for that overnight stay since we had booked under his loyalty number even came up in that conversation.
And the night before when we drove into the hotel parking lot to check in, I pointed out where the door was which he took as criticism that he carried with him for several hours - I just meant it as information as he was deciding where to park. He was so quick to assume I was criticizing or attacking him no matter what I said or how I said it.
And then on our way home, we stopped at some botanical gardens. The two huge broods of cicadas had emerged (it was a big year for them) and they weren't quite far south enough to where we lived but they were so plentiful at this garden on that day and we both really enjoyed getting to see them. My ex-husband managed to pick one up so we could look at one closer. Prior to this trip, we had talked a few times about how cool it would be to take a drive to see them somewhere.
For context, this overnight trip. happens in the middle of what I describe in this post. I had completely forgotten this trip was this close to the very beginning of the end. He got back from New Orleans on Thursday - my photos show I met him in the parking garage to greet him after his trip and help him carry his stuff back to the apartment. We then had our conversation where he talked about ending our marriage. Then, this trip was that Saturday and Sunday and then you can read my journal entry from that Monday (May 27) in that linked post.
It was the most intense roller coaster ride of my life. I'm not even sure that what is happening in the federal government right now for those of us who are federal employees (something that has been described as a roller coaster that won't end) can compare on a personal level for me to what I experienced the first half of last summer. Maybe that's why I can shrug off so easily what I'm going through now - often things are relative.
In the months after the separation and divorce, I questioned whether I had pushed him too quickly to make a decision and whether I should have hung on longer. In mid-July, I pretty clearly told him that he wasn't being fair to me and he either had to step fully back into the marriage and try (emphasizing that didn't mean he still couldn't leave if it ultimately didn't work out after we made the effort) or get out now.
Upon reading about and reflecting on the first half of the summer, I clearly couldn't sustain that any longer. I'm not sure how I hung on as long as I did. I deserved better than someone who was just going to string me along without really trying to make anything better. I did the right thing. Letting it go on any longer wouldn't have produced better results - it probably would have made the divorce contentious as we grew more and more irritated by each other.
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