A couple of apartments ago, when we moved in and were handed two keys, we discovered one wasn’t quite as perfectly cut so it took a bit more care to align it correctly to lock and unlock the door. My ex-husband complained to me that it wasn’t very smooth to use. My response was to hand him the key I was holding and take the one in his hand. Satisfied with the key I had traded with him, the complaints from him about this ended. It didn’t take me long to learn the nuance of the key he had so quickly rejected such that I could effortlessly unlock our door.
That memory of the key then reminded me of our silverware. The silverware we had inherited from his parents included two different styles. At one point he complained about how the one style felt in his hand, so from that point on, I just quietly set the table giving myself the style he didn’t like and putting the other style at his place at the table.
I had not thought of the key swap probably since around the time it happened. The realization of what I had done with the silverware over so many years came up when we were dividing belongings in the divorce. One look at the silverware (back in that moment) and I knew I couldn’t take any of it to my new place. It would always remind me of him and how I accommodated him.
I wonder how many other times I took the lesser of two things for his benefit or to stop his complaining. I wonder if he ever noticed or appreciated it. Even if he didn’t notice or appreciate it, was it a net gain to conserve my energy by quietly accommodating him? Probably. I might even look at that silverware differently today knowing what I now understand about my energy.
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