I'm tired.

As I sit here checking traffic, organizing my music, and trying to remember where I parked my car, I kind of wish I hadn't volunteered to sing at this ordination service this week.  I really would rather curl up in my oversized chair and maybe find a good book tonight instead of drive to the suburbs for a rehearsal at a location that is unfamiliar to me.  

I'll still go and in hindsight I will be glad I went.  The connections I make with familiar and unfamiliar people will be good.  The music will speak to my soul.  But it doesn't negate the fact that I'm tired.

I feel like there has been this slow depletion of my energy over the last days, maybe week or two, gradual enough that I didn't really notice it until now.  Hip Hop Cardio was a bit harder last night than usual.  Sunday afternoon I actually napped, that's not something I usually do.  And there has been more than one occasion where I was actually in bed before 9pm lately.

So what has changed?  What is depleting my energy?  What do I do about it?

I feel like I have started finding a good balance between going out and staying in.  It has sometimes meant more weekends at home because the weeknights were busier but that has still given me considerable downtime.  And a lot of my spring activities have or are beginning to wind down.  This summer my focus is just the exercise classes at the park and whatever Sundays church needs me to sing (without anymore weekday rehearsals after tonight).  So I don't think it's that.

My sleep has been pretty reasonable lately.  I'm usually asleep before 10, wake up once around 3, and then am ready to get up between 5 and 6.

I'm plugging along with healing from my divorce.  Nothing stands out anymore than any other week in that regard.

So that leaves work.  My office has lost three of my closest co-workers since January plus the IT staff person I depended on the most (and those haven't been the only ones we have lost).  These were my daily connection people.  The one I was closet to left about 3 weeks ago.  That has definitely affected me.

My workload is also changing rapidly.  The type of case I was hired to do and am most passionate about is now something I have to squeeze in between other types of cases that have a higher priority.  I'm doing a lot more work that I don't particularly enjoy and my to-do list is long and taking a lot of emotional bandwidth to manage.  And I'm branching out into areas that I feel less competent in.  As an Enneagram five, my core fear is incompetence.

And the political climate at work isn't getting any better.  I'm not sure it's sustainable long term for any of us at work.  I suspect we are going to continue to lose people because of that which is just going to add to the challenges I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Honestly, I've felt really detached from it all.  It's almost unbelievable what has happened at work over the last four months.  And it's so beyond anything I can control.  And there are so many other ways I want to spend my energy now that I am more conscious of its effect on me.  But maybe now it's hitting too close to home with the loss of daily contact with my friends and with the significant changes to my work.

I don't know if there is a lot I can do about it.  I'm not anywhere near the point of wanting to look for another job.  So maybe I just need to build in a little more rest and make the most of the vacation I have coming up.  And maybe I need to reach out to some of these friends that I no longer get to see every day.