Stages of Grief

They say you go through stages of grief after a divorce not all that unlike losing a loved one to death.  A google search will bring up many websites that talk about these five stages (although some add on other stages).

1. Denial or shock
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Letting go/acceptance

The thing I'm learning is that at least for me, at any point I can revert back to an earlier stage that I thought I had already moved through.  I'm 7 weeks in from when he told me we were done.  I'm about 3 months in since he told me he was questioning the relationship.  And I think I have touched upon every single one of the stages at some point.  Generally, these past 2.5 half weeks, I've really been feeling a sense of acceptance and a focus towards moving on.

Well today, I'm just plain angry.  I'm angry that he never spoke up.  I'm angry he chose to hold onto resentment instead of finding a way to release it.  I'm angry he has let that cloud how he sees our relationship and me in such a negative light that his perceptions are so far from reality.  I'm angry he stopped giving me the benefit of the doubt years ago and let assumptions that often weren't true rule his thoughts and actions.  

I'm angry that the commitment he made was so meaningless to him that he couldn't even be bothered to put some effort into the relationship.  I'm angry that he would walk away without even trying.  I'm angry that he would let himself get to the point where he thought so little of me but still hang onto this relationship for YEARS.

I'm angry he chose misery over and over throughout our marriage instead of reaching out for help.

I'm angry that he repeatedly chose to pretend that everything was great when that is not how he felt.

I'm angry how he sabotaged the relationship and never even gave us a chance.

I'm far from perfect.  I still have plenty of growing to do.  But I did my part to invest in the relationship.  I did my part to listen, adjust, improve, seek help when I needed it, and grow.  I gave this everything I had.  So I'm angry that he couldn't see I was worth him doing the same.

So at this moment I'm back in the anger phase.  I'll pull myself out of it.  I know that.  But for the moment I need to sit here.  I need to let myself feel these feelings of anger until they hold less power.