Settling for "Enough"

I swear all I do these days is think and reflect.  I'm someone who always wants to fully understand the "why" behind everything.  My husband hated that about me because he never wanted to explain his "why".  But that is not relevant to what I want to write about today.

So I've spent a lot of time reflecting on why I felt the relationship worked so well for me when it clearly didn't work for him.  I think it boils down to expectations and outlook.  I think it comes down to being willing to settle for "enough" with the recognition that we are all imperfect human beings and we can't be the end all be all for each other.

So I went into this knowing that the man I married was imperfect combined with a positive perspective of the worth and value he held.  And throughout the relationship I maintained that believe in his value and worth which allowed me to focus on the good and give him the benefit of the doubt about the bad.

I learned to tolerate things that could be annoying because I believed in who he was as a whole.  And because I saw him as a whole, I felt he was enough as is and my focus wasn't on how I could change him.

Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of his internal dialogue where he had determined that I was not enough.  I probably should have picked up on it when we went through couple's counseling before we moved to Alabama as it was all focused on how I should change without any reflection on his own behaviors.  And then I definitely started to pick up on it this summer when I felt like I was in a fishbowl just waiting for him to point out the next wrong thing I did.  But beyond those two time periods, even with hindsight I don't recall any times I was aware of this internal dialogue he had.

Based on conversations we have had this summer, I think this belief by him that I am not enough goes back many years.  He has examples that go back 15 or more years.  I suspect that from whatever point he decided I was not enough going forward, it colored his view of me and his ability to give me the benefit of doubt when he perceived that I had treated him poorly or acted poorly.  I suspect that a mindset like that made it difficult to see the good and instead put the focus on the bad.  

I also think that is what really started to skew his perspective.  This summer I have been flabbergasted at the things he has told me on so many occasions.  The assumptions he has made about me that are not true are just wild.  He has painted a picture of me in his head that is so far from who I am, it's no wonder he doesn't think this relationship can work.  And I do freely admit that my own perspective of myself may not always be accurate of how the world sees me but so many of his assumptions are based on observable facts that just aren't true.  

I don't know that this post has gone where I wanted it to go.  This latest reflection started with me re-watching many of my travel IG Reels last night before bed.  I went back about a year and a half worth of trips which included a couple big ones including one where we brought his mom.  What I noticed as I watched them was a distinct absence of the presence of my husband.  That's not to say he didn't show up in some of them.  But he just didn't feel present in them.  And there were more than I remembered that were memories I created on my own feeling a little resentment from him that I went off and did my own thing.

As I explore expanding my social network and am enjoying getting out there, I'm realizing that I had settled within the constraints of what he wanted - a wife who did almost everything together with him and didn't always behave well when it wasn't what he wanted to do.  I had learned to tolerate his complaining when the activity wasn't his choice.  I had learned to balance when to speak up and/or go do my own thing with going along with what he wanted to try and get as close to his goal of us doing most things together.  

And maybe it was my realization these past couple years that I what I was settling for wasn't enough in this regard such that I was branching out more that played a factor in his deciding to walk away.  Maybe I was starting to get restless myself and realizing the "enough" I had initially settled for may not actually be enough.

Wow, I hadn't expected my writing this blog post to lead me to that conclusion but it rings so true I can't walk it back.  I'll leave it at that.