I've been making excuses for him

In my head and in discussions with others, I've been making excuses for my husband.  How many times have I said things like "he didn't learn communication and conflict resolution skills growing up" or "his mom still is a bad model"?  I've wanted to blame his mom who is still so incredibly immature, insecure, and manipulative.  I've even been tempted to blame his dad after he shared how distant his dad was.  I've wanted to blame the fact that he was bullied both at school and by his brother growing up and that his parents did nothing.

But by putting the blame there, I'm taking away the responsibility my husband had as an adult.  I'm excusing decisions he made as an adult where he was responsible for his own behavior.

As adults it is our responsibility to heal from whatever struggles we faced in our childhood.  And we all had those struggles to some extent.  No parents are perfect.  No childhoods are perfect.  I went through a healing process myself in my 20s and early 30s.  I saw that as my responsibility.  And I saw it as a necessary part of adulthood and having a happy, fulfilled life.

Why did I think I had that responsibility yet was so quick to excuse him of his similar responsibility?

And the worst part of doing that is I think it created a stumbling block to my own healing.

So now, about 8 weeks in from he decided he was done, I'm starting over with the anger because I'm rightly putting the blame where it belongs.  

My husband chose to not speak up when he needed something instead of letting resentment build up.  My husband chose to hold onto resentment instead of reaching out for help to figure out how to deal with it.  My husband chose to not give me the benefit of the doubt and/or seek clarification.  He chose to assume the worst of me.  My husband chose to be unhappy instead of reaching out for help to fix it.  He chose to pretend he was happy to avoid having to talk to me.  He made those decisions over and over and over throughout the years.  

And then he chose to walk away without even giving us a chance to work through it.

It's not his mom's (or dad's) fault he made those decisions.  He is a grown adult in his 40s capable of making his own adult decisions.

So I'm done making excuses for him.  He is responsible for the decisions he made.  It just really sucks that I have to pay these consequences for those decisions.  So I have reason to be angry.