Should relationships be effortless?

Depending on who you talk to the advice you will hear is either relationships should be effortless or relationships take work which seem to be contradictory beliefs.  My marriage was definitely not effortless.

I wonder if there is a spectrum here.  When two healthy people come together with good communication, conflict resolution, and relationship skills, the work may come so naturally that it feels effortless. But we aren't all lucky enough to have mastered those skills or found a partner who has mastered those skills so in those relationships some work may be more apparent.  And I'm not sure that is necessarily a bad thing.  As long as both are invested in the relationship, it might be very worth the effort.

Maybe where I erred is taking on too much of that work and thinking it would be enough.  Looking back, I see now that while I was growing and adapting, he was pointing fingers (sometimes silently, sometimes out loud).  We weren't ever going to get anywhere with that dynamic.  So it probably was a lot harder than it should have been.

I really think both people have to be willing to grow for a relationship to be sustainable and fulfilling.  I think the more important work that needs to happen is within ourselves.  And when both people do that internal work, the relationship likely feels a lot more effortless.

I'm really sad and a bit angry my husband wasn't willing to grow and do that internal work during our marriage.