I can't sleep.

I don't know how many nights this has been, since before I moved about a week ago.  I wake up every hour or so and sometimes lay awake for a couple hours each time.  In the evenings (and even throughout the day), I can't keep my eyes open and start to drift off but the second I lay down to sleep, my mind wakes up.   And even when I get a few moments of sleep, I dream of what is stuck in my mind.

I think there is a sense of shock at how fast this went from what felt like a good relationship to separation.  How fast those "I love you"'s, "Good morning"'s, and "Good night"'s turned into silence.  How fast the spigot was turned off.  Maybe this would have been easier if it was a slow decline.  Maybe it would have been more comprehensible.

I don't know if it helps talking to so many different people who have been divorce or just makes me question it all more.  My latest conversation with someone really made me question how society views marriage.

Maybe I'm in the minority but to me marriage is a life-time commitment.  That doesn't mean I don't think there are legitimate reasons for divorce like abuse or addiction.  Those are serious issues that can't be overcome.  

My marriage isn't falling apart over serious issues though.  My marriage is falling apart because I married someone who was not willing to have hard conversations, someone who was not willing to work through even small issues and instead allowed them to fester into larger issues.  And I get that communication is hard and we don't all walk into a marriage with the skills we need.  But we are adults and so it is on us to learn the skills we need.  And if we are truly committed to each other, we both make it our responsibility to learn those skills (getting help when needed) and we give each other grace as that learning process happens.

He never bothered to learn those skills and to this day still blames me for his inability to communicate.  And he definitely didn't give me any grace over the years if he has held onto resentments so long.

I would guess that almost all vows include some reference to working through the good and the bad.  Are those vows really that meaningless today if people aren't willing to work through the bad?