I don't think I can reflect my way to answers

I journal.  I write poetry.  And I think A LOT.  I am constantly reflecting on my own actions, my interactions with others with others, the world around me.  And I am constantly observing and taking in new information so these reflections evolve over time.  My beliefs, understandings, opinions evolve.  It's a process and so although I do hope to gain better understandings of many things, my goal isn't to completely figure it out and be done.  Life is complex enough that I don't think we ever truly figure it out.

So starting in late May when my husband first told me he was questioning our marriage and on a more accelerated timeline starring in mid-July when he told me he was done, my brain has been constantly reflecting and so my understanding of it all has continued to evolve.  You may see some of that if you have been following along my blog long enough.

But I think I made the mistake of focusing too much on trying to figure it out because I don't think that is possible.  My husband hasn't shared with me enough or with enough clarity for me to even have the slightest clue what he is thinking, what lead up to this decision, and what his reasons are.  Without that knowledge, my understanding will always be very incomplete.  The best I've been able to do is reflect on my own behaviors, behaviors I observed in him, and the assumptions I am making and have made in the past.  All I have are my own perceptions.  And I'm smart enough to recognize that my perceptions won't necessarily match reality and they often won't match someone else's perceptions.

So what do I do with that?  Where do I go from here?  How do I heal without that understanding?  

I supposed this falls into the first part of the serenity prayer.  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I cannot change the decision he has made.  I cannot change the way he feels.  I cannot change the way he has approached this relationship and how to end it.  And I cannot change what he is willing (or able) to share with me about his thought process.