Lies

As I was emptying my nightstand early this morning in preparation for moving, I came across some Valentine's and anniversary letters he had written in 2019 and 2020.  In them he said things like he can't imagine a life without me and if he has anything to say about it, we will stay together.  He talked about how committed he was and how much he loved me.

I went out into the living room where he was and questioned him because he had previously told me he had been unhappy for many years so were these things he wrote lies.  He had no answer.  He couldn't tell me they weren't lies but he didn't want to admit to it.  And then he tried to explain again why he left.  And I stopped him saying I don't need more explanations (which don't make sense to me) about why he left.  I need to understand where the truth is in what he wrote vs what he is telling me now.  I asked him "do you know what this does to someone?"  Heartbreak for honest reasons would be hard enough but to try and sort through the lies and understand what was real and what was not just messes with your head!

At one point he said, he just didn't know.  And I asked him why he would throw away a marriage before figuring it out.  I told him that I was willing to walk that journey with him.  His response was that I kept pushing him.  And I said that is because there was one small thing I needed from him.  It wasn't some lifetime commitment or anything.  I just needed him to tell me he wanted me to wait around while he figured it out.  I just needed him to want to walk that journey with him.  I had all the patience in the world for someone who wanted me to stick around a little longer.

He said that he did still care about me but those words are just meaningless.  You don't lie repeatedly to someone you actually care about.

I walked out of the room at that point with the tears just freely flowing and tried to focus on doing more packing.  At one point, he came in and said I deserved to know the truth.  I said and then we could have worked on it and he was adamant that we couldn't (even though he still can tell me why not).  There's still no self-reflection.  There's no understanding at all about why he is unhappy or what lead him to feel that way.  He just thinks it will be better somewhere else.