I applied for the job and a hummingbird visited my basil today.

I feel really tired but peaceful.  I spent the last four days riding through the emotions tied to the idea of leaving my city, dreaming about what it would be like to live in a new city, analyzing the pros and cons of applying for the job, and then carefully preparing my application.  

And as I was on the phone with my Mom and Dad, getting last minute feedback and advice, a female hummingbird appeared at my window, not five feet from where I sat in my comfy chair.  It paused at each of the flowers on my basil plant before continuing on its way.  I had never seen a hummingbird visit my balcony.  It was a magical moment that made me stop mid-sentence and stare in awe as I tried to then explain what I was experiencing to my Mom.

Some cultures believe that hummingbirds are messengers of joy, love, and good fortune and that they are symbols of good luck.  This little hummingbird was definitely a messenger of joy.

Then I hung up with my parents, finished my cover letter, went through the application, and paused only a moment before I hit submit.  This decision has been made and acted on.  I feel really good at this investment in myself, regardless of how it plays out.  My mind can finally rest at least for now.

I haven’t left him yet (in an emotional sense)

I admitted to a friend at work that as illogical as it sounds, I feel like I’m leaving him if I pursue this job opportunity.  Her response was “because you haven’t left him yet.”  

I moved to this city with him. I initially picked this apartment complex with him.  I’m still in many ways living the life I built with him.  That’s not to say I haven’t grown and evolved and started to forge new paths, it’s just still been within the overall outline of the life I created with him.

Any big decisions I’ve made since the separation were reactions to his decisions.  They were a response to him leaving me.  This would be the first big stand-alone decision that I make solely for myself.  It’s no longer even peripherally about him.

Letting Go

As I sat in therapy last week (or maybe it was the week before), my therapist asked if I was yet ready to let go.  She was circling back to a conversation we had in May that I wrote about here.  

My mind was telling me of course I had already let go but all I could get out was "maybe" before my mind told me to pause.  And that's when I noticed my heart had started to race, my body had tensed up, and tears were caught in the back of my throat.  Maybe my conscious mind is there already but my body was speaking up to let me know my sub-conscious wasn't there yet.

And then this morning with the idea of relocating to a new city heavy on my mind, a panic at the thought of moving away from him quickly rushed over me.  It was a feeling just like the feeling I had in the shuttle van as it pulled away from my city to start the trip on that cruise we had originally planned for our 20th.  In that case, the thought was "he really isn't coming with me."

There is nothing logical about either of those thoughts/feelings.  I'm at the point where I wouldn't even consider reconciliation with him and I would not have welcomed him on that trip so of course he wasn't coming with me!

It's not him though I'm holding onto.  At least I don't think so.  I think it's the dreams we were working towards, the person I imagined I would grow into alongside him, the life I was living and the life I imagined for my future.  I didn't just lose him.  He is probably the smallest part of what I lost.  I lost the woman I expected to become.

Regardless of how boldly and courageously I step out onto the grates of life and forge a new, uncertain path, at least on a subconscious level, I worry about what I'm leaving behind on that path I had to diverge off of.  And every step I take pulls me further and further from that path I diverged from with the big ones feeling like the finality of a door loudly shutting behind me.

I imagine at some point, I'll get to a place where I feel more settled in a new life that I'll barely notice the doors closing behind me (until something big shakes it up again) but will I ever truly let go of that woman I thought I would become, of the dreams I dreamed?  

Starting Fresh in a New City

Today took a twist I didn't expect.  About a year and a half ago, my employer decided not to fill a job I had applied to and interviewed for - it was a job that I have been doing in addition to my other duties since December of 2022.  It would have been a promotion.  And then with the current political climate, we have been on a hiring freeze that I expected could last years, at least in any form that would get them to consider posting that position again.

In the meantime, I've been watching which offices have lost employees in this position across the country.  I'm on a listserv that gets smaller and smaller with each quarterly update.

So this morning, I was surprised to see an e-mail about two job postings a little beyond what I am qualified for on the east coast.  Wondering how they were getting around the hiring freeze, I pulled up the job search site to see if there were any other postings - and there was one other posting - the exact job I want, in Atlanta, a city I have actually dreamed of living in.

My gut says that I will regret it if I don't apply but oh is it terrifying to think about relocating to another state completely my own.  This would be a true fresh start after the divorce.  There would be no chance encounters with my ex-husband.  The places we made memories together would be left behind, mostly - I still see him on one or two of the benches at the Atlanta Botanical Garden each time I visit.

It would also be starting over in building a community, starting over in a new work environment with new colleagues, a new place to live, a new neighborhood to learn, etc.

The divorce forced me to completely rethink my entire future, sending me down a path I could never have imagined.  This feels like an even further deviation from that all and maybe that is part of why it feels so overwhelming.

I did this several times with my ex-husband over the years.  I was reminded today that to just pick up and move across the country like we did when we moved south is not something the average person does.  It's something that takes a lot of courage.

Do I have the courage within me to do this alone?  

Something inside of me tells me a fresh start like this, a further deviation from my initial plans for life, could be exactly what I need.  Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself though.  A job application does not automatically result in a job offer.

He's someone else's problem now

I looked at his Instagram page recently.  There is a woman he is now following (who also follows him) who is local.  She is a member of the Are We Dating the Same Guy Facebook page.  And she recently changed her Facebook status to "in a relationship".  She looks like the woman I saw on his patio a few weeks ago and the woman who shows up in his recent Instagram reel of the weekend trip they took together.  

I assume they met about six weeks ago when I was on the cruise as that is when the post showed up in the Facebook group asking for red flags or information about him.

She is in a caregiving profession.  It looks like her two-year degree is from 2019, although I suspect there was a gap between high school and college.  One of her few public posts is from late April of this year and it is a meme that says "You glow differently, when no one's dusty ass, undiagnosed son is stressing you out."  So she may have a habit of attracting men that need fixing.

I know I shouldn't have let my curiosity send me down this rabbit hole.  I'm sure it is not healthy for me and my healing.  But it actually confirms for me that this really wasn't about me at all.  He didn't trade up for a better model.  He traded in for one who I suspect he believes will be a better caregiver and mom for him, one who will soothe his ego, regulate his emotions, and listen to his endless list of complaints.  Time will tell whether this new woman is willing to do that for him.

I was chatting with a friend at work this week about her in-laws and a bit about my former in-laws as there are many parallels.  And we were talking about all the traits, illnesses (physical and mental), etc. that seem to be passed down through the generations.  Whether there is a hereditary component or it is all environmental, it seems people so often fall into the same patterns and problems of their parents.  Although I do think we have a fair bit of control over our growth (if we choose to actually self-reflect and grow), we become more and more like our parents over the years.

His mom had an older brother and a younger sister.  I had a chance to get to know both over the years.  I also got a chance to briefly get to know his mom's mom in the early years of our marriage.  The apple didn't fall far from the tree with regard to any of them.  And I don't think my ex-husband fell far from that tree either.  I think I really dodged a bullet.  

I think about the way his uncle treated his aunt as they got older and she developed health problems.  I think about his mom's refusal to care for his dad.  I think about the way all three of them abandoned his mom in a nursing home.  And then I think about the fact that my ex-husband ran from his mom after his father passed away and most recently couldn't even stick around in the marriage he committed to when we weren't facing any real life challenges.

I am so much better off on my own, developing my own community, pouring into myself.  And as awful as this last year or so has been and how terribly he treated me, maybe this was the shake up I needed to get this clarity.  

App Notifications

I thought I had resolved this last fall by deleting and reinstalling the app.  I wrote about it in this post on October 30.  But clearly whatever I did back then didn't fully work.  This morning started with a notification that the plane was on time to Atlanta.  And then I got a second late morning that the plane was on time to Milwaukee.   It wasn't actually all the notifications though.  Usually there are also ones for when boarding has started, when the right boarding zone has been called, and each time a bag is loaded on or off a plane.  So maybe it partially resolved itself.

I don't know what else to try.  Last time I googled it, I found countless stories of ex-wives still getting their ex-husband's Delta notifications and the only suggestions were to delete and reinstall the app.

I believe it is happening because when we were married there were times I logged in as him on my phone (to book, check him in, etc.) and Delta stored something somewhere hidden on my phone indicating I should get notifications.  Sadly, I'm not due for a new phone for another year or two.

I hope he enjoys his visit with his mom.

Loss of innocence

I think what actually bothers me the most about him dating again has little to do with him or how I feel about him. It’s that I know exactly how well he shows up at the beginning of a relationship, the whirlwind of attention, the behaviors fueled by dopamine.  And I can imagine exactly what he is saying to explain his divorce and how convincing it will come across to someone who doesn’t know him yet.

And if he can present that well in the beginning, if he can be that convincing, another potential partner can do the same.  I’ve lost this innocence such that if I ever date, I now consciously know I have to risk the infatuation stage to get to a point where I could start to truly get to know another and even then red flags may be mixed with a lot of convincing pretense. 

The fog has mostly lifted

Last month, I hit a low, probably one of my lowest lows since this all started.  That may sound odd being that a year has passed and I have come so far in that year.  But it makes sense to me.  I was in survival mode last year.  I was distracted with long to do lists.  I held on to hope for too long (that's not a judgment of the me of then - it's a self-reflection with the benefit of hindsight).  I had rose colored glasses on so wasn't seeing clearly.  

By the time last month came, with all the reminders of his betrayal, the rose colored glasses had come off.  I had some clarity.  And with this clarity had come a certain amount of anger as I was no longer making excuses for him.  And once the trip with my family was over, I didn't have distractions.

So I did the only thing I could do and moved through it.  That reminds me of a Rodney Atkins song I really like with this chorus,

If you're goin' through hell, keep on going.
Don't slow down.  If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.

Not that I advocate hiding your fear or any of your feelings.  I spent plenty of time sitting with my feelings last month but I did my best not to get stuck there.  I went and found a bird at the park to sit with when I was struggling the most.  And I called my parents.  And I reached out by text to people.  And I wrote.  I wrote so much.  And I kept moving through it.

And now that the fog is lifting, I'm ready for a mindset change.  So much of the way we perceive life centers around the mindset we create and nurture.  And not that it is easy by any means, but I think we have more control over how we approach challenges than we think.

I think there's two central themes that I still feel a bit stuck on that really need a mindset change - (1) the doubts around what was real and (2) finding a way to accept that I will never understand how he could do what he did to me.  I've already got a plan for the first and I'll talk about that in future blog posts.  I don't yet know how I will approach the second but I don't have to solve this all in one day.  And maybe I've oversimplified this all but I have to start somewhere.

Grace

I had the chance to catch up with a friend who was among the first to know my ex and I were having problems last summer.  That conversation reminded me of how much grace (and even good thoughts) I had for him for so many months after it all happened.  There was even a conversation with this friend asking her to have her husband check in on my ex-husband to make sure he was okay (this was a couples friend).  All my friends were joking about how I should get revenge while I was trying to convince them how great a guy he was.

Just imagine how messed up someone must be internally to not be willing to put any effort at all into a relationship with a woman that has that much grace for him even after he betrayed her trust.  That's the part that just baffles me.  

Labyrinth

I visited this labyrinth for the first time on October 26, 2024, just five days after the divorce was final.  At that time I went looking for strength as later that same day I was meeting with my ex-husband to finalize and divide our joint accounts.  I wrote about how that meeting went here.  Mediating as I walked the labyrinth I think really helped me get through that meeting with calm and at least some clarity.

The second time I visited this labyrinth was on December 31, 2024.  That time I went looking for clarity.  I had stumbled upon a journal from our dating/engaged years and was trying to reconcile them with my memories and with the man he had shown me to be in 2024.  The labyrinth helped me clear my mind so that I could start to push through the fog.  Here is my blog post from that day to show where my mind was.

This morning was my third visit to this labyrinth.  Today was about my journey forward.  It was a chance to make a promise to myself to nurture my growth, my energy, and my joy.  It was a promise to myself to grant myself love, kindness, and grace throughout my journey.  It was a meditation on the twists and turns ahead of me and how they might shape me.

The Courage of a Spider

I sit here sipping my coffee gazing out the window.  My eye lands on a spider suspended in air, twenty feet from the ground.  There is nothing above it that it could have used to anchor a web.  The closest object is a tree about 3 feet away.  The next closest objects are my building about 15 feet away and a utility pole about 20 feet away.  The logistics of creating some sort of web that would hold the spider in such a position are beyond anything I can comprehend but what I am most in awe of is the courage it took do so!

To tap into that kind of courage is powerful.  To have the vision to see something that could really add to your life and then to build what you need to make it happen, no matter how scary it may be forging that path.

I think I've found some of that courage over the last year.  I've also found it really easy to fall back on the comfortable.  Now I have a little spider to look back on as a reminder of what courage can look like.

Upon editing a photo I took of the spider, I can even faintly see the web!

An Example of What Not To Do

Today’s Facebook memory includes a selfie of the two of us at sunset two years ago.  It was a breathtaking sunset but what stands out most to me is the disinterested or detached (maybe even a bit sad) look on my ex-husband’s face that I’m realizing is present in almost all of the photos that come up in my memories (which generally cover just the last four years).  In these memories, I have yet to see any joy reflected on his face.  Even the photos from the jeep tour we took at the ranch in Hawaii where Jurassic Park (his all-time favorite movie) was filmed are lacking that joy and have that detached look.

I think this is what happens when you don’t invest in your life, your self, your relationships, your passions, etc.  When you just sit back and let life happen to you, instead of building the life you want.  You become detached from the outcome, the process, and the journey.  It makes it easier to blame the world and forget to look inward.  And in the end, you are just miserable because the world didn’t read your mind and thus nothing went the way you silently hoped it would.

Let that be my reminder and my momentum forward.  It’s up to me to make my life what I want it to be.  It’s up to me to invest in myself and in the relationships that are important to me.

That doesn’t mean it will always be easy.  Sometimes it will be quite scary or overwhelming.  But the consequences of not doing it are significant and the rewards of doing it are so great.

Next on my plate-I’m working up the courage to go to a country line dancing and social swing dancing class at a local brewery.  I was completely on board with the line dancing part but swing dancing with a stranger terrifies me even as I recognize it might be a ton of fun.

What I took with me from my marriage

When my therapist suggested a possible reschedule to a Saturday morning, there wasn't even a hesitation before I said "no".  I spent a few minutes afterwards reflecting on why I am so protective of my Saturday mornings and realized it goes back to the last few years of my marriage that I have chosen to carry forward into my single life.  

It started with Sunday mornings before church but then quickly expanded to Saturday mornings on weekends when we weren't headed out for a day trip.  It's my quiet time.  I sip coffee, eat breakfast, post my daily photo to Instagram, write, surf the internet/social media, or whatever quiet thing I feel would feed my soul that day.  While we were married, I had a subscription to the Washington Post and so would often lose myself in the comments sections as I debated topics with other commenters.  Threads has replaced that forum now when I want to interact with others.    

It was a time a day, that I refused to do dishes or other chores which was sometimes a point of contention with my ex-husband.  He often wanted to get up and get things done.  And to be fair, I wasn't stopping him.  I just wasn't going to do my part at that time of day.  I wanted this chunk of time for quiet.

It is "me" time.

I've now expanded a form of this to even my work days.  The alarm goes off at 6am to make sure I don't oversleep but I'm usually climbing out of bed much earlier, sometimes as early as 5am.  This morning I was showered, dressed, had made my lunch, and was sitting down to a plate of eggs and bacon when the 6am alarm went off.  I don't leave for work until 7:17 am. so it usually gives me a fair bit of quiet time.

I'm trying to remember what made me start this routine and why it became so important.  I can picture myself in the last apartment we shared together and exactly where I spent these mornings.  We moved into that apartment in early March of 2023.  My memory is fuzzier as to whether and how I would have taken this quiet time before that.  I don't think it was a part of my routine though going back as far as my time in the midwest.  Did I even drink coffee then?

I imagine it was a gradual addition to my weekends that at some point became sacred.  Maybe this was a small way I was starting to learn to pour back into myself.  Maybe on a subconscious level I was starting to recognize the drain on my energy even if I didn't yet fully understand what specifically was draining me.

So even now, on weekends, I don't rush the mornings.  I don't move on to my next task until my body and mind feel ready to.  Any plans I make for those mornings are only for things that will nourish my mind and body - like a trip to the gardens.  That's the only exception to my quiet, coffee and me moments.

He set us up to fail and then turned around to blamed me

As I let this morning’s post sit with me, what is repeating in my head is as follows:

He blamed me for my poor relationship with his Mom, a relationship he himself sabotaged through his own actions and unwillingness to stand up for me when she blamed me for his choices. 

Taking her to Hawaii and creating a great itinerary that met her needs and interests wasn’t enough to overcome that because there is nothing I could have done to overcome the sabotage he had done and the amount of blame that I was expected to carry.

He set us up to fail and then turned around to blamed me for it all.

He did the same thing to his Mom

One value to working with a good therapist is being able to check yourself on things that you have normalized.  Sometimes what becomes normal to us is everything but healthy and not something we should accept as "normal".

In last week's session, I was talking about the decision we made to move south.  I think it was initially his idea although it's hard to recall specifically because I was very on board with the idea from the beginning.  And logistically it took me finding a job first so the process itself was heavy on me.  It was about a 9-10 month process from my first applications to finally moving (February to November of that year).

From the start, I kept my parents in the loop.  I shared where I was applying and where I was getting interviews.  We talked about what it would be like being a long distance from them.  They were sad to see me move but they were also 100% supportive of whatever decision we would make.  I think I even remember at one point my ex-husband talked to my Dad in person one evening at their house to make sure he was okay with the move (I had forgotten about this until I was typing this paragraph).  So these were very open conversations.

The same can't be said with regard to his Mom.  His Dad had passed away.  Not fully trusting my memory, I just looked up both the obituary and my spreadsheet of job applications to understand the timing better.  I'm a bit shocked at what I found and don't know how to make sense of this.  My first applications were about a week before his Dad passed away.  I may need to come back to that revelation.  

I found an e-mail from a couple of days after I completed those first applications from my ex-husband to his brother that said, "Rebecca applied to a [position] job at [agency] (would be a promotion) in Mississippi [cities] and is going to apply to the same position in [city], CA next week. We hated this winter, the cold weather and snow. Plus with all the drama with dad, mom and dad's family, the only question is when do we get to go? :) Of course a job offer needs to come first. I should be able to transfer pretty easily w/[his job], but we haven't decided if it's really what we want to do or if we're totally committed to the idea yet, but we are seriously considering..."

His brother responded and among other things, gave the following advice to my ex-husband.  Not surprisingly, my ex-husband seemed to completely ignore this advice and didn’t even respond to it when he responded to other things in the same e-mail.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think moving away is the answer. If you have an issue with Mom you should tell her how you feel. She needs to figure things out on her own, and it’s okay to say no to her sometimes. It helps her learn how to do things on her own. 

Obviously, you guys have to do what’s best for you. Unfortunately, things are going to be pretty lonely for Mom moving forward if she decides to treat everyone this way. 

Back to the point of this blog post, it was what I shared next with my therapist that made us both pause.  We didn't even tell his Mom that we were planning to move south for quite a few months (although you can see from the paragraphs above, we looped in his brother quite early).  I don't remember the exact timing of telling her.  I think it was before we traveled to Alabama for an interview in mid-July but I doubt it was much before that.  

At the time, I just followed his lead with regard to his family.  The way she tried to intervene with our realtor when we purchased our home was still in the back of my mind, as well as the other ways she constantly tried to interfere.  I had the thought cross my mind that she might try to call my potential employers if she knew where I was applying.  And his Mom had gotten so demanding and mean.  In reviewing the e-mails between my ex-husband and his brother (from our joint e-mail account), I got confirmation that my memory is pretty solid on how bad she had gotten.  At one point, she even left me a voicemail message yelling "Where are you?" when my ex-husband didn't immediately take her call (about some curtains she wanted to buy).  So I think treating her like this had become “normal” to me.

Needless to say, she was pissed when she finally found out.  She had some horrible things to say about me and how I would never find a job.  He sat silent as she ranted about me and didn’t make any attempt to stand up for me (in that moment or in any future moment I was aware of).  I imagine she felt quite blind sighted to be finding out after we were well into the process and so close after her husband passed away.  Although, that doesn't mean I have any sympathy for her - she created this toxic dynamic with her son which ultimately caused me a lot of pain.  (Not that I blame her for my ex-husband’s behavior, he is an adult responsible for getting the help he needs to not treat others poorly.  But she had a hand in creating the dynamics that he has to face as an adult.)

But maybe that should have been a warning to me, that when my ex-husband faces something challenging even with the people he loves, he runs instead of facing it.  He could have learned to say "no" to his Mom.  He could have learned to set boundaries with her.  He even had the example of his brother to see how that worked (although his brother often took it to another extreme and got mean in enforcing his boundaries).  But he didn't.  His solution was to move across the country.  In hindsight, that probably was quite destructive of any chance of me having any sort of reasonable relationship with her.  I’m pretty sure she blamed me for it all.

And it's interesting to me, that even after the move, he didn't cut her off or even really learn how to say "no" any better.  He was just physically less available.  She still called, often obsessively.  He still took most of her calls.  He still visited her regularly and invited her to stay with us.  He still didn’t learn to really set any boundaries with her.  He just distanced himself whenever he could and found it easier to gain that distance from afar.

There's even a parallel there to my marriage and divorce.  He had hoped we would still be friends after the divorce.  We have essentially gone no contact, not because that is what he wanted but because I made it clear I wasn't interested in a friendship.  He may have been running from the marriage but he wasn’t actually trying to run away from me.

The State of Dating

 My Threads feed is filled with Threads about the Tea App.  It was an app designed to allow women to anonymously warn other women about abusive and unfaithful men they had dated.  Whisper networks for women have always existed.  They just used to be more local in your community.  Now that dating has gone online, the dating pool is much larger and thus the community whisper network needs to be larger.

The latest news is that the app developer didn't secure the data it collected (women's selfies and driver's license) and didn't delete the data upon verification as they promised to do.  And so someone found the data and has now started creating maps with faces and address of the woman who have signed up for this app.  And it has even gone further where men are now rating women based on their selfie.  

This has brought a lot of publicity to an app, few had heard of before this month and the amount of Threads from angry men upon learning about this app is overwhelming.  Any suggestion in the comments for men to just treat women better doesn't go over well.

To be fair, AWDTSG (Are We Dating The Same Guy?) Facebook groups have been around for probably decades.  Interestingly, they aren't getting the same attention right now.

I get how algorithms work.  I also get how the loudest is not always representative.  But even assuming there are good guys out there, how do you wade through men like this first to get to the good ones?

I've worked with victims of domestic abuse and so many of their stories start with what seemed like a perfectly good/innocent man.  These women I worked with were smart women from all walks of life.  And they weren't immune from the manipulations of poorly behaving men.

And that doesn't even include the group of men who may not be abusive but are solely focused on sex, emotionally unavailable, unhealed, unable and unwilling to communicate, etc.  The horror stories I hear from women who have dipped their toes into dating are endless and most of the single women around me have given up.

Even when I heal enough to be able to trust again, how would I safely date?  What would I have to put myself through to find a good partner who is compatible?  What toll would that take on my mental health?  How much energy would that drain?  Would it even be worth it?  Why can't men collectively just be better men?  Why should women have to risk their lives and mental health to find a partner?

Pouring into myself

Yesterday, I stayed in my pjs all day.  I started a bird puzzle that I'm really enjoying.  I took a nap mid-day.  I listened to my playlist.  I surfed the internet.  I wrote.  And then I went to bed early and slept quite well.  It was exactly what I needed.

And then this morning, I showered, dressed, enjoyed a leisurely morning before I headed to church.  I sat next to a wonderful woman in a completely packed contemporary service that I rarely attend and sang the lyrics from my favorite choir song to a new tune as I took in the energy in the room.  The sermon on the topic of the prodigal parent (different perspective of the parable on the prodigal son) was moving and reminded me of the love I have received from my parents.  So when I got home I called them and told them about it.  

And then I walked in the southern sun through my favorite park to the grocery store to get some real food back in my fridge and bought myself flowers (a vibrant pink rose, pink carnation, and a variety of white flowers to go with it).

I think this is what it looks like to truly pour into me and it feels really good.

The start of my healing journey

A memory came up today on Facebook that reminded me of the strength I have found in myself going all the way back to the beginning of my healing journey.  I have come so far because I have consistently tapped into that strength and trusted myself when it came to knowing what I needed at any given moment.  I have balanced the practical with the emotional, the grief with the way forward.

So one year ago, just one and a half weeks after my ex-husband called it quits, I focused on pouring into me by getting in the car and driving to the beach.  I had already moved my stuff to the second bedroom and made that space my own (that was the practical first step) and then it was time to sit with my grief in the most healing place I knew.

There was a flock of Black Skimmers that were gracefully soaring over the water.  I captured a Willet in flight for the first time not realizing how incredibly beautiful their wings are when extended.  Dolphins jumped and played off in the distance.  I sat in the sand where the waves could rush over me.  I remember I first walked the beach with my camera and then I went back to my car to put it away so I could spend some time on the beach without that distraction.

This was the first trip I took where my ex-husband wasn't on the other side of a text message exchange and that felt really empty.  But I pivoted and reached out to my sister instead and she was more than willing to be the one on the other side of a text exchange.

And then I ate a real meal at a Mexican restaurant.  This was a time where I had zero appetite and getting myself to eat something each day was quite an accomplishment.  I still remember the waitress.  She seemed to be in tune with the fact that I needed both a little extra quiet and a little extra kindness.  We didn't talk any substance at all but I felt cared for in a way I didn't expect.  I think we often underestimate the effect of day-to-day interactions with strangers.  This was one of those interactions.

What was Real?

The hardest part of my healing journey has been making sense of what was real and what was not.  It's not the fact that the relationship ended that continues to bother me a year later.  I can accept that part more easily especially with some hindsight showing how it wasn't a good relationship.

But he didn't just end the relationship.  That would have required communication (and some accountability) he wasn't willing or capable of.  Instead he threw a grenade at the entirety of our relationship.  

So I sit here piecing together my memories.  There are a few concrete things I can verify which I greatly appreciate.  Those verified things often match my own memory (despite their contradiction with the stories my ex told last year) which builds back some confidence in my own memory.  There are other things that clearly I got wrong demonstrated by my ex's behavior in the end and some self-reflection of red flags I ignored.  And then there is a lot in the fuzzy middle.

I'm trying to filter some of it through what I learned recently about memory and perception.  If I can reflect on my own world view and also try to put myself into his world view, maybe I can understand how our world views affected our perceptions and find some estimation of reality within.

I want something real to hold onto from these last two decades so I'm not tempted to just block the entire time frame from my mind.  These were significant years of my life that shaped me and taught me lessons.

And I want to understand how that gap between our perceptions got so large so I don't find myself in relationships again that ignore that gap.  I imagine there will always be that gap in any relationship (romantic or platonic).  But when that gap is ignored instead of embraced with curiosity, misunderstandings will be frequent, resentment will build, and connections will fade.

Gaslight

I'm still stuck on this concept of how memory is created and the various ways it is changed both at the time it is initially stored and each time it is recalled.  Last summer as everything was falling apart and my ex-husband and I were having many conversations, often ones that would just go in circles, I remember feeling like he was re-writing our history.  His accounts of some events were so skewed from my memory of those same accounts.  (And later I discovered were quite skewed from the way I described them in my journal at the time.)  

How much of those discrepancies are just normal remembering events differently vs. filtering them through a skewed world view vs. intentionally re-writing them to turn the blame and responsibility back on me?

As I was talking about this with my therapist today, she asked if I had ever seen the movie "Gaslight".  Until that moment, I had forgotten about this moment.  On July 6 (I looked it up in my Amazon orders) last summer, my now ex-husband and I watched Gaslight together.  That was 9 days before he finally called it quits, although I'm sure his mind had already been made up before this all started in late May.

By this point, he was probably 6-8 weeks into watching YouTube videos about relationships.  I'm sure it was one of those videos where the term gaslighting came up.  He tried to tell me I was gaslighting him, although I don't recall him giving any examples, which is what I think prompted him to want to watch the movie.

As I sit here today I realize how much his re-writing of history and using distorted memories to justify why I was to blame made me doubt myself and my own memories.  Isn't that the very definition of gaslighting?  Even turning on the movie to watch with me was a way to gaslight me into thinking I was the problem.

Sometimes, I try to put myself back in my mind last summer.  From a perspective of some hindsight, I wonder how I made it through that summer.  I remember feeling so off-kilter, like I was living in some alternate universe where nothing made any sense.  I knew he was unfairly blaming me and distorting events from our past but I didn't know what to do about it.

And I remember a strong sense of wanting to hold him accountable in any way I could - and the one way I could do that would be to make him be the one to leave if that is what he truly wanted.  It was he who was destroying our marriage, he who had decided not to grow up, he who had decided not to invest in it, he who had put on a front and lied to me for two decades.  I wasn't going to be the one to fix that by making the decision to leave or being the one to file the divorce paperwork.  And I think that was the right approach.  If I had walked away from the marriage without having time to process, I think I would have had regrets and had an even harder time healing.