Am I holding on to my grief?

I let go of the dreams and future we had planned together and it has given me freedom to build something new, something that might be even better.  But even in the midst of all that positive movement forward, I'm still holding on to something.

In talking about how my ex-husband is still living rent free in my head, my therapist suggested a technique to try and stop that.  As she described it, she talked about a chance to re-write my body's history.  I had such a strong emotional reaction as she was describing it.  

Tears welled up in my eyes until they started overflowing.  A sense of panic rushed through me as my breathing got more shallow.  Thoughts got caught in my throat.  My body felt warm as a headache started to form.  All those same sensations have returned as I blog about this.  I don't have this strong of a reaction to memories or thoughts of him anymore.  Why am I reacting this way to the thought of something that might help eradicate those persistent thoughts?

My therapist asked me if maybe my grief was my last connection to him.  I loved him deeply for two decades.  We grew into adulthood together.  He is an integral part of who I have become.  How much of my self do I lose if I let go of that grief, that last connection to him?

As exciting as it has been to watch my flourish since the divorce, there is so much fear in the unknown of what I am becoming and what I am leaving behind to become that person.  The losses are so intricately intertwined with the gains.  

I keep using the word "amazed" to describe how I feel about what I am accomplishing and the changes I'm seeing happen in me but I'm not sure that word fully communicates the complexity of how I feel.  When I look up "amazed" in Word Hippo for synonyms, some of the suggestions that stand out include "disconcerted", "taken aback", "shaken", and "confounded".  A better description recognizes the fear and confusion that is mixed in with the wonder and joy.

So maybe I'm still holding on to my grief because I'm not yet quite secure in who I am becoming and am afraid of losing pieces of me built on my past that I still need.

It's been about a year since it all took a turn.

 My ex-husband spent the first two weeks of May in Philadelphia for work.  It was one of many trips to Philadelphia that spring.  That first weekend of May while he was on the east coast, he had some colleagues took a day trip to NYC.  This is the e-mail he sent me very early that Saturday morning (May 4, 2024).

Good morning my love!

Sorry I didn’t get the chance to send you good night well wishes last night earlier, there was a lot of planning going on to get to NY!

(Paragraph about their details of their trip.) 

I wish you were with, I miss you! But we have our own private train room to go to NY together in the not too distant future ;). Hopefully you have a nice weekend yourself. Now for tomorrow, I’ll need some R&R, lol.

Love,

Things seemed good at that point.  But when he came back a week later, things felt off and so I asked him about it.  He told me he was questioning our relationship because he didn't miss me like he thinks he should miss a wife.  (He couldn't explain how he thinks he should miss a wife.). He was otherwise very vague.  He was only home for about a week before he headed to New Orleans for some union training.  Our communications seemed even more off while he was on that trip so before he headed home, I sent him this e-mail (May 22, 2024).

I just wanted you to know that I’m not doing okay being left so deep in the dark with no idea what the issues are or when you might be ready to talk or whether you will decide on your own to walk away without even giving us a chance to talk.

It’s also really eating away at trust because if you can’t talk to me about us and have kept the issues from me long enough to get to a point like this, I wonder what else you are keeping from me. I don’t know how to trust someone who doesn’t trust me.

I’m really trying to give you the space you need and to be patient, especially since I’m sure your Mom is heavy on your mind too now. But you may be asking more of me than I am able to give.

I hope when you get home you can find ways to share more with me. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know what is important to you.

Love,

We did talk when he got home.  He didn't make a lot of sense.  He seemed to be viewing me and our relationship through a pair of really dirty glasses that couldn't see any of the good at all and had exaggerated even the smallest bad.  

On May 27, 2024, a few days after he had returned from that New Orleans trip, I wrote the following in a document on my laptop to help me process.  I suppose that was the true start of the blog.

How do I recognize when my love is unrequited? Or maybe the better question is once I recognize it is unrequited, how do I accept it?

In some moments, I believe I should walk away. A marriage where one partner refuses to be transparent and lets resentment and unhappiness build up for years isn’t really one worth fighting for especially when he has shown that he will not change. So why do I hang on?

A marriage where one partner focuses so much on the negative that he is completely oblivious to the good, isn’t really one worth fighting for. So why do I keep fighting for us?

Why did I fight so hard for us 6 years ago when these things were just as true then as they are now?

And then I am reminded of all the laughter and smiles, of the memories made, of the little moments shared, of the texts exchanged simultaneously expressing the same thought as if we were one. I think of the plans we have made, the goals we have set, and the way we worked together to set those goals.

I think of the little caresses, the cuddles before drifting off, the moments our eyes would meet and connect.

I think of all the amazing moments I never would have experienced without him and how many more of those moments life could bring our way in the future.

And I am sad. The tears run down my eyes. My heart is breaking. The pain is deep. There is an anger that is likely cover for the grief. There is fear. There is so much uncertainty over something that is so far out of my control. And I wait. How long do I wait? How long can my heart break like this before it comes numb? What will our relationship even look like on the other side if we come out together? Can it recover from this sense of betrayal, a deterioration of trust? Yet, I still wait. Why? And I still love. And I still search his eyes for the love I always thought I saw there. But is it really love I have seen or is it just a reflection of my own love?

He pretended so well that I didn’t see this coming. His smiles seemed so genuine. His interest seemed so sincere. When I asked how he thought we were doing, he said he felt good about us. But he was lying. He made plans for the future with me, dreamed of cruising once again on the ship where we were married, and so we booked that ship for the year of our 20th anniversary, in the exact cabin of our honeymoon. We picked it for my family’s vacation. Yet he tells me even when we were making those plans he had doubts. And now I may sail without him on the ship where we were married, not having quite made it to 20 years. With all my family booked it is not a cruise I can back out of. That pain cuts deep. How will I walked the lounges of that cruise ship, eat dinner in the main dining room, or watch the sunrise without thinking of him.

How long can I live with this pain? How long can I feel the stress on my body, the sleepless nights, the flare of the pain, the loss of appetite? How much can I endure? How long must I wait?

How long until I stop fighting? At what point do I say enough is enough? Will I regret if I walk away before this fully plays out?

I likely will never know what switch flipped between May 4 and that week in mid-May when he was home between trips.  The weeks that followed were painful as he seemed to look for every excuse to leave.  I really think he had already made his decision by the time I sensed the change in mid-May because none of our conversations seemed to at all be focused on him honestly trying to figure things out with us - none of them were about issues he actually wanted to resolve.

I don't quite not where to leave this entry.  I've gained so much from a new start yet he still lives rent free in my head.  I have so much joy and promise for a new future yet there is still so much sadness inside of me.  Maybe it's a reminder that I live deeply.  It is on the darkest nights that the stars seem the brightest.  You can't fully appreciate the joy if you haven't walked through some dark nights.

A change in focus - from what I lost to what I gained

I realized something this weekend as I started working on a new travel bucket list.  

My mindset when the separation/divorce was fresh was very focused on what I was losing.  I was watching trips I had been dreamed about get cancelled.  I was grieving that it would be hard to retire now when I had originally hoped to.  I was sad to lose the spacious two-bedroom apartment that had been home.  I was terrified that my salary wouldn't go far enough.  I didn't want to lose the companionship my husband had provided or having someone to check in on me and make sure I was okay.

Let's compare that to my mindset today.  I have since realized just how much of our resources went to his constant car purchases and so much other random stuff he and even we (I was part of it) thought we needed.  And so my budget is actually manageable.  And it is allowing me to save some money for the trips I originally thought I would never be able to afford on my own.  It's also allowing me to focus on just my bucket list instead of compromising to fit in his dreams as well.  So there are now trips that I'm adding to my list that are my initial priorities that I figured as a married woman were a long-shot.

As I picked out my next soap for the bathroom this afternoon, I also realized that I have created a space with only me in mind.  It's free from the distraction of the TV.  It has the added wanted distraction of the trains and the entertainment at the brewery across the street that he never would have enjoyed.  The freezer is full of my stuff instead of always having to hold back to make room for his food.  The windows get opened when I want them open to let the fresh air in.

And my schedule is full of new activities and new friends that I never would have ventured out to experience if the divorce wouldn't have happened.  I'm not struggling with my weight as much as I used to.  I have so more much energy.  I've adjusted my sleep schedule to take advantage of the early morning hours my body so loves.

And I have my spunk back!  And I'm surrounding myself with people who appreciate my spunk and have their own spunk.

I don't know that this was an overnight transformation but it was an overnight recognition of what has happened within me and it is incredibly positive!

Look out world!  I have nothing stopping me now and I'm going to create a bright future.

Planning for a future

What if this divorce opens up travel opportunities that I never would have done with my ex-husband (because of his interest or because of his preference to spend the money on cars)?  I'm spending some time dreaming a bit.  My day didn't go as planned (bird excursions I didn't register to soon enough and then trip to the Atlanta Botanical Gardens that was prevented because of severe weather) but it has given me time to dream and to research and the opportunities are truly endless.

So I'm going over my budget with a fine tooth comb.  I'm creating travel goals for the upcoming years.  I'm trying to come up with estimated budgets for those trips so I can plan for them.  And I'm discovering some pretty amazing options.  

Do I dare to travel internationally as a solo traveler?  That is my ultimate goal but it is a bit intimidating.  So maybe I start with a package all-inclusive trip that picks me up from the airport and drops me back off at the end.  Machu Picchu and Amazon River?  Antarctic expedition cruise?  Dare I dream?  How can I not?

In the meantime, I will watch my mailbox for the brochure that will shortly be on its way.  (Some travel companies still make paper brochures!)

I'm adulting and I'm thriving.

As I sat down and reviewed my budget and spending for the last six months, I had a quiet moment where it sunk in that I can actually do this.  As odd as this might sound considering my ex-husband told me he would miss my resourcefulness, I think what I feared most was being able to do life on my own - the every day finances, managing a household, feeding myself, taking care of my car, etc.

It's really odd to think about when you consider the detailed work I do for a living, the multi-state tax returns I did in the early years of our marriage, the errors we found in our mortgage paperwork when we bought a house, all the vacations I planned, etc.  I had proven my ability to "adult" over and over throughout the last two decades.  Yet this is what I feared most.

So I'm going to sit with this a moment.  I'm just a few days away from six months since the divorce and I'm truly making it and thriving.

My thinking is like a spiral.

It's interesting how cyclical my thinking is although each time I come back to the same thought, it is more developed or comes with more nuance or clarity on the context.  So maybe it's more a spiral than a cycle.  I don't know if that is just common with grief or if that has more to do with how much thinking I do.

It came up in therapy last night that maybe I had outgrown him, that he had stayed the same immature twenty year old, while I grew and matured over the years.  And although I hadn't thought about it in a while, I knew a variation of that thought process had come up a number of times over the past 6+ months.

There was a conversation last October or November in my life group where I was sharing my story and one of my group members commented that he had changed.  My response was "or maybe I was the one to change".

And then I searched my blog because I thought I had reflected on it before and found this post from mid-January, Being Willing to Change and Grow.  

Often the changes occurring in ourselves and those we are in close relationship with happen so incrementally that we don't even notice them in the moment.  They happen because of an endless series of tiny decisions we make, decisions that seem so inconsequential in the moment that we don't even really pay attention to them.  It's not until years later, we look back on who we were through photos, memories, writings, reminiscing with loved ones, etc. that we see the growth (or lack of growth).  

And maybe those that never take the time to reflect on their growth never learn to appreciate how important it is to be intentional about the small things which is what likely fuels future growth.

I think I did the best I could.

No, I'm not saying I always said or did the right thing.  But given the starting point I had as an Enneagram five and a bit avoidant, the drain of energy on me of a challenging relationship, and the progress I made over the years to grow, I think I did the best I could.

I learned how to set boundaries when it was important to me and let go of the unimportant.  I worked on my half of the communication when we struggled to communicate as a couple.  I invested much of my limited energy in him as I chose him over and over every day.  And I had done enough work on myself over the past two decades that when I was able to regain my energy after the separation, I could jump into building a new life leaning into many of the traits of a healthy five including the transition from thinking into doing.

I couldn't have foreseen that he would stagnate instead of grow with me.

So although there is plenty I will learn from this relationship, I feel good overall about how I showed up.  And I'm glad it ended now, at a time in my life, when I'm still young enough to create a whole other life for myself.  The gap between us would have just widened if we stayed together.  It would have ended eventually.  Maybe now was the right time.

Memories and a new way of looking at them

As I turned the key to lock my apartment door and it caught because the door wasn’t perfectly aligned, a memory flooded back to me.  

A couple of apartments ago, when we moved in and were handed two keys, we discovered one wasn’t quite as perfectly cut so it took a bit more care to align it correctly to lock and unlock the door. My ex-husband complained to me that it wasn’t very smooth to use. My response was to hand him the key I was holding and take the one in his hand. Satisfied with the key I had traded with him, the complaints from him about this ended. It didn’t take me long to learn the nuance of the key he had so quickly rejected such that I could effortlessly unlock our door. 

That memory of the key then reminded me of our silverware. The silverware we had inherited from his parents included two different styles. At one point he complained about how the one style felt in his hand, so from that point on, I just quietly set the table giving myself the style he didn’t like and putting the other style at his place at the table. 

I had not thought of the key swap probably since around the time it happened.  The realization of what I had done with the silverware over so many years came up when we were dividing belongings in the divorce. One look at the silverware (back in that moment) and I knew I couldn’t take any of it to my new place.  It would always remind me of him and how I accommodated him. 

I wonder how many other times I took the lesser of two things for his benefit or to stop his complaining. I wonder if he ever noticed or appreciated it. Even if he didn’t notice or appreciate it, was it a net gain to conserve my energy by quietly accommodating him?  Probably.  I might even look at that silverware differently today knowing what I now understand about my energy. 

Energy as a five

I am fascinated reading about fives and how they conserve energy and carefully decide where to spend their energy.  It explains so much about me.

I listen to people around me express feelings of resentment, talk about grudges, hold on to negative feelings about people, talk about revenge, etc. and I've never understood it.  It never made any sense to me why someone would waste energy on what I saw as such unproductive things.  But that's because I don't view energy the same as others do.  Others don't spend so much of their energy internally and so they feel more free to spend it elsewhere.

It also explains why I have so much more energy now.  During my marriage, I had done the calculations and decided it was worth the consequence to devote so much of my energy on my ex.  I thought the marriage was worth it.  Now, that I don't have him to focus my energy on, I have so much more for myself and to give others as I choose.

I read something about fives and making commitments in relationships.  If they feel 50% happy single, they aren't going to risk that for a relationship that might only keep them at that 50% because the reality is that is very possibly going to drop them down  to 20%.  But if they think a relationship will bump them up to 70%, they might commit.  And for me, happiness is very directly tied to energy.  When I have the energy to dive into what brings me the greatest joy, that is when I am the happiest.

My ex was really good in the infatuation stage.  He was attentive.  He poured into me.  He listened to me.  We had long, interesting conversations.  He energized me.  I proposed to him while we were still in this stage.

Choosing what to spend my emotional resources on

An interesting tidbit about Enneagram type fives is that they carefully calculate how to spend their energy and that plays a role in their conflict style.  Sometimes an Enneagram five will decide they don't want to spend their energy on the other person's reaction.  This isn't about keeping the peace like it can be for other types.  It's about deciding what I want to spend my energy on and so when I decide something is not worth my energy, I let it go.  I both don't spend the energy bringing it up to the other person AND I don't spend the energy being mad about it or holding on to any form of resentment.

I think I did that a lot in my marriage.  That's not to say there weren't plenty of times I tried to bring up issues but there also were plenty of times I let go of issues that in hindsight maybe I should have brought up.  Does that make me avoidant?  Maybe?

I started my day in tears - there is no timeline for grief.

Twenty year old me so wanted to believe in love that I mistook an intense infatuation for love and then ignored the signs that he wasn't willing to prioritize me or the relationship once that infatuation wore off.  Then the stubborn loyalty in me and my ability to make the best of any situation took over and I focused all my energy on seeing the good in him and the good in a life together.  

And so I found happiness and joy in my life completely clueless to the fact that instead of building happiness and joy in his life, he was building resentment, grudges, and misery such that one day he would walk away without looking back.

So this morning as the tears rolled down my face, I grieved that twenty something girl who just wanted to be loved.

The ability to see both sides

As an Enneagram five, I can be more objective than many of the other types because I have the ability to see both sides.  That doesn't mean I don't still have blind spots or that I'm always right in how I perceive the other side but it is a significant part of my thought process.  The danger in that is that it becomes too easy for me to rationalize other people's behaviors by giving their side more weight than my own.

So I took a walk this evening.  The rain had mostly stopped.  The city was eerily quiet with a strong full moon vibe.  So in between moments of alertness, I let my mind wander.  Often my best thinking happens when my feet are moving.

I thought about the local friend I had going back to before the separation.  She is one half of a couple's friend and someone I have really connected with since moving to this state more than six years ago.  I'm a bit shamed to admit she was my only real friend when the separation happened.  I didn't understand how important community was during my marriage and I struggle to make friends and I didn't have the energy.

Unfortunately, she wasn't able to be there for me in my toughest months.  She still isn't there for me.  I don't hear from her very often.  She doesn't check in.  She doesn't even always respond to my texts.  And she seems to cancel plans more than she actually follows through.  I wrote about her a bit in my post last week about Expectations and Avoidance.  

What I realized today was that my ability to see her side and all that was overfilling her schedule (the young children, her own business, aging parents, involvement in her community, etc.) made it easy to excuse her not prioritizing me at all.  And yes, some of those things should absolutely be prioritized over me but if she had truly wanted to be there for me, she would have found a way even if it was just short phone calls or texts on a more regular basis or planning more lunches during the workweek when we both work just a few blocks apart.

And I think I did the same with my ex-husband.  I saw how dysfunctional his relationship with his mom was and how much that was still affecting him.  I knew his childhood was ful of bullies both at school and at home.  I could see how that had so significantly affected his self-worth and ability to have a healthy perspective of life.  And so I excused his behaviors and kept my expectations low.  I found a way to be content with what he could give even if I deserved more.

I didn't speak up enough and try to hold him accountable for the way his behaviors were negatively impacting me and our marriage.  I accepted that I would just have to tread carefully as I tried to navigate boundaries with his mom to try and protect myself a little bit that didn't push him away.

I minimized the effect I was experiencing on my side by giving more weight to his side.

Navigating new friendships as an introvert

I'm very proud of the connections I have started to make with people.  I don't talk to new people easily and so I don't make friends easily.  If I felt like it was an option, I would just stay home.  But since the divorce, I have recognized the incredible importance of community so have put myself out there despite how awkward and scary it has been.

But I will admit, most of my efforts have been focused on situating myself near people who might invite me places.  I've shared interests with people at work or church who then think of me when they want to do something.  I've signed up for activities, retreats, and groups.  I've sat down next to people at those activities hoping someone will strike up a conversation with me.  With regard to my Improv student showcase, I posted about it online and just generally talked about it waiting for people to express interest.  It's not a bad strategy to start.  It's got me out and with people on quite a few occasions.  It's moved me forward by leaps and bounds from where I started.

But I think if I want to take these friendships further, I need to at least occasionally issue my own invitations to people.  So I did that today.  I have a membership to the Atlanta Botanical Gardens and there are one or two people I have in mind who I think would really enjoy the gardens.  So I typed up the text message.  I proofread it maybe a dozen times.  I stared at for a good ten minutes.  I analyzed all the various responses and scenarios.  I thought about running it past my sister but then convinced myself that I could do this.  

And then I hit enter and I think that elevated the anxiety to a whole new level!  At this point, I couldn't take it back.  What if they said no?  What if they didn't want to spend a day with me?

And then the response came back, "Oh, man!  I'd love to" although those specific dates didn't work for her so I threw out a couple more and we have a date penciled on the calendar.  Her response when we settled on a date was "Thank you for asking.  I've also wanted to see it."

I can do this!  

Memories

My social media memories are reminding me that two years ago was our Hawaii trip.  We included his mom in the trip because it was a destination she had always wanted to go to.  We booked three nights in Honolulu and then took a 12 night cruise with more stops on the islands crossing the Pacific to Vancouver and then spent one more night in Vancouver before flying home.

Today's memory was a photo of the three of us at a luau which would have been at the end of our second full day in Hawaii.  I don't look happy in that photo.  I didn't realize my feelings about the trip were so evident on my face.

I remember the evening had started with a disagreement about leis.  We had spent more money to get the package that included a fresh flower orchard lei because that is what his mom really wanted - I don't think my ex-husband really wanted to spend that extra money but we did.  Then when we arrived, she asked for a shell lei (which would have been a cheaper package) instead of the orchard lei!  She ultimately took the flower lei after some encouragement by my ex-husband.  

I didn't participate in this disagreement.  It was only day two and I was already exhausted.  I had worked so hard to plan the trip and all our activities to match what his mom wanted to do and could do with her physical limitations, what my ex-husband really wanted to do, and squeeze in a few things for me.  And the end result was feeling like an exhausted third-wheel.

I know this isn't the first time I have written about this trip but the look on my face in that photo just added another layer to it.  And if I'm honest with myself, this should have been one gigantic red flag that he wasn't invested in the marriage or willing to prioritize me.  What kind of person takes advantage of his wife to plan a dream vacation that includes his mom and then doesn't appreciate her, stand up for her, or make a little time for her?

Expectations and Avoidance

Is not having expectations of people a form of avoidance?  People can't disappoint me if I don't expect anything of them.

I always thought it was a healthy approach to relationships because it allowed me to just enjoy the time I do get with people without being clouded by disappointment.  I still do think there is a healthy aspect to that.  But have I taken it too far?

My closest local friend has been inconsistent since the separation - texts unanswered, weeks passing without any contact, get togethers few and far between.  I'm sure part of it was timing - she has two young children at home, runs her own business, and has aging parents that need attention.  My response to this was to just go out and find other friends.  Although I would have liked more support from her, I hadn't actually expected it so I moved on to find people who would step up for me.  I didn't waste time on disappointment.  I haven't let it affect my ability to enjoy my time with her when she is available and follows through (which does happen ocassionally).

When it came to my marriage, I expected that he would take our vows seriously enough that he wouldn't just walk away without any effort.  I also expected him to be honest and transparent with me about the things we were jointly making decisions about.  That seemed reasonable to expect of someone I was sharing life, finances, and a future with.  But I'm not sure I expected much else of him, definitely not much on an emotional level.  

As an enneagram five who was raised to be independent, had to learn to manage my own emotions on my own at a fairly young age, and who had that reinforced in relationships that span into adulthood, I had learned to take care of myself.  So it didn't feel like a big deal when people didn't come through for me.  There wasn't a big risk in not expecting much.

But has this just become a coping skill that is affecting my relationships?  Am I just avoiding disappointment in a way that is preventing something deeper by not expecting more?  Where is the healthy line when it comes to expectations in relationships?

Energy levels - my marriage vs evolution of myself

I've been digging into the Enneagram a bit this week and it has made me question whether I'm trying to oversimplify things as I try to understand the differences in my energy level as a married person vs a single person.  

The easy answer is that my ex-husband drained my energy.  I'm sure there is truth to that but I'm not sure it paints the whole picture.

I'm an Enneagram type five also known as an investigator or an observer.  An average or unhealthy five, lives in a world of scarcity especially as it relates to time and energy.  External demands easily drain their energy and so they find ways to conserve it.  As a result, average or unhealthy fives often see themselves as separate from the world, an outsider looking in which can be very isolating.

On the flip side, healthy fives live in a world of abundance seeing themselves as part of their environment instead of as separate from everyone and everything.  They find an appropriate balance between participating and observing and engage with others comfortably.  

Over the last six or more months, I find myself identifying much more closely with a healthy five than I ever have in the past.  My energy levels today are at least in part because of the growth into a healthy five I have done this year.

I can't really separate that growth from the catalyst of the divorce.  The two are very intertwined.  And although, my husband's actions and expectations absolutely had a negative impact on me and my energy levels, it is my responsibility to be the healthiest version of myself.  And maybe the biggest takeaway is that that the cause of my increased energy today is likely a combination of stepping out of a draining relationship AND the work I have done on myself to be a healthier person.

I don't know exactly where this lands me and I am still early in my journey into what it means to be an Enneagram five - my understanding today is quite incomplete.  I expect there will be quite a few more blog posts about it as I read more and process what I read in the context of who I am and what I have experienced.

I never seem to mean as much to other people as they mean to me.

I'm sick.  Late in the workday yesterday, I started to get a sore throat and by the evening I was really tired and achy.  I had a passing thought that it would be really nice to have someone who would take care of me when I was sick.  But it was quickly replaced by the way my ex-husband was always more concerned about catching whatever I had than making sure I was taken care of despite the fact that he expected me to nurture and care for him when he was sick.

And then I started running through the important relationships at various stages in my life:

• the first best friend in elementary school who so easily abandoned me when her parents got divorced, 
• the second best friend in middle school who disappeared when I started questioning my sexuality, 
• the college dorm friends who moved on without me the semester I studied abroad,
• the college friend who seemed to enjoy the time we spent together but never initiated and so eventually faded away, 
• my closest friend since moving to Alabama who has me so low on her priority list she didn't even find time to provide me any support at all during or after the divorce, and 
• the ex-husband who after 19 years of marriage could so easily discard me without an attempt to address any issues or explain what happened.

I thought my ex-husband was different, at least in the beginning although I think the imbalance in our relationship goes back a lot of years, maybe even before the wedding.  Although, if I'm honest, I never expected any of the other relationships on that list to go the way they have either.  Would I even recognize a more balanced relationship?  Or would it feel too unfamiliar?

Would I know how to respond to a partner who wanted to take care of me while I was sick?

My husband didn't like my independence and the fact that I didn't need him (his words).  He said I was too strong.  But wasn't that just the result of him not stepping up and being that safe emotional place to land?  Wasn't it the result of that imbalance I had sensed under the surface for many years?  If he wasn't going to take care of me while I was sick (to use a concrete example of a larger issue), what choice did I have besides independently taking care of myself and tapping into my strength?

The Adrenaline is Still Running

I did something today that a year ago I could not even imagine myself ever doing or even being interested in doing.  I tapped into a piece of me that I don't think I ever knew existed.

I got up on a stage and performed Improv Comedy.

I'm going to let that sentence stand alone because the magnitude of that accomplishment blows me away.  I don't even know how to describe the feelings running through me.

Sometime late last year, I stumbled across the education tab on the website for the theater just a few blocks from my home.  I paused on the Improv class listing.  It was a listing for the fall session that was already in session but I could see that it was a class that repeated with each session.  Something kept bringing me back to that page.  I'm an introvert.  I don't get up on stage, or so I thought but I was drawn to it.

Then I spoke out loud my interest to a colleague and then a friend.  The more I spoke about it, the more I knew I had to sign up.  So in January, after a 13 week session Improv class was released, I paid the money and signed up.  I remember the e-mail I received the week before it started asking students to wear closed-toed shoes which had me really wondering what I had gotten myself into!

Then for 13 Mondays in a row, I showed up, signed in, and let go of my self-consciousness as I learned the building blocks of Improv and participated in some crazy exercises to eventually get us ready for our showcase today.  I had a few weeks where amazing things came out of my mouth resulting in laughs and positive reinforcement from my classmates and I had many other weeks where my scenes felt flat or awkward.  But I kept showing up.  I kept stepping up for scenes.  I kept putting myself out there.

I don't think I'm a natural but my goal wasn't ever to become a seasoned performer.  My goal was to prove to myself what I could.  It was to push myself.  It was to help me listen and communicate better.  It was to get me out of my head and feel less self-conscious.  It was to feel alive.  And I accomplished all of that and more.

And tonight, I got to show a couple of my colleagues and someone from my church what I could do.  (I feel so much gratitude that they wanted to show up and support me.)  I had a pretty good scene about popcorn.  I was on a date at the theater and my date handed me popcorn.  I confirmed with him this was popcorn he had swept up off the floor so it would have extra protein!  He expressed amazement that he had found a date who accepted how cheap he was.  

And then there was another scene where I was an expert in deep sea diving answering questions as part of a panel.  And I remember another where I was auditioning for Wicked and asked to sing my audition song - I squawked or squealed more than I sung which was what got me the part!  I can still hear the laughter from the audience.

So as I sit here reflecting as the adrenaline finishes running through me, I am amazed.  

And I'm a little sad that this me couldn't have been a part of my marriage - it's a little ironic the marriage held me back from being a person he would have really enjoyed.  But that's his loss and my gain - there's no better time than the present step bolding into this new me, in whatever shape it eventually takes.

Tonight, I got up on a stage and performed Improv Comedy.

Attachment Styles

If you are paying attention at all to relationship themes, you likely have heard of attachment styles.  I think it's a relatively well-researched concept although like everything it's hard to wade through the garbage on YouTube and the internet to find reliable, accurate content.  And I'm just a consumer of content, not someone who actually works in the field and has good knowledge.

But as someone with a good relationship with my parents who doesn't generally avoid conflict and who doesn't feel anxious in relationships (without cause), I believe I am fairly secure.  But I also am really trying to understand what went so wrong in my relationship so am very open to adjusting that belief with better understanding and then working on myself.

So I'm not shying away from the discussion during my last therapy session about whether I might be a bit avoidant.  

There's many characteristics of avoidants that don't feel like they fit but I do strongly feel that most of life falls on a spectrum and that we usually can't neatly fit people into boxes.  So just because it doesn't feel like it fits doesn't mean it isn't manifesting itself in some way that is affecting my relationships.

I grew up with parents who were great parents in so many ways.  They provided for my sister and I.  They paid attention to us.  They responded to us and our needs.  They taught and guided us.  The only thing I feel like I lacked was a deeper emotional support.  They are logical, analytical people - my sister is the same way.  They solve problems.  They don't spend all that much time openly analyzing their feelings.  

I'm not sure that means they don't actually know how to manage their feelings.  I suspect it's just normally an internal process and not something they lean on other people for support and so they don't know how to give that support.  Although, it's not that I never saw emotion out of my parents.  Both my parents could become angry at times and I remember seeing tears in my mom on a few occasions.  But they dealt with them and moved on.

I suspect my depression in high school/early college stemmed in a combination of my parents inability to connect with me on a deeper emotional level and the struggles I faced with my sexuality in those years and the impact on my closest friendship.  And I think I'm wired differently than my family and so in my most difficult teenage years that disconnect created a real deficit.  I remember the challenging conversation I had with my parents to convince them I needed therapy as it was not something they recognized themselves and their analytical minds didn't understand the value of therapy.

Note, I don't blame them for any of this.  They were great parents, not perfect parents.  They gave me a head start in life in so many ways that I saw lacking in my peers who struggled with adulthood more than I did.  I remember blaming them a lot when I was in my 20s without understanding the greater picture and the value they did bring to my life.  Maturing and take accountability for who I was as an adult helped me see them as the imperfect but loving parents they really were (and still are).

But going back to the affect this upbringing had on me and what I still struggle with today, it pushed me to learn to deal with my emotions on my own.  

I love the swings.  At my church retreat in February, I took time to just swing at the playground in between sessions.  There is something about that back and forth motion high above the ground that is soothing.  And as a child, that is one of the most common places I self-soothed.  I could swing for hours and just let my mind wander, sift through the emotions running through me, accept my situation for what it was, and plan for what I could control.  It was where I escaped from the terrible babysitter we had in early elementary school.  It is where I felt free.

So as someone that learned to self-soothe at an early age maybe I didn't expect it from people I was in a relationship with.  That doesn't mean I didn't seek it out.  In therapy on Friday, I could name quite a few people who had provided emotional support to me over the years but it was more a surprising benefit to a relationship rather than an expected part of one.

So when my husband couldn't provide me with that support, I'm not sure I thought anything of it on a conscious level.  I had learned it is not something everyone can provide and that their lack of ability to provide that emotional support didn't negate the other ways I could benefit from a relationship with them.

But maybe, what my body didn't anticipate was the unbalanced way I would provide that to someone who wouldn't or couldn't do the same for me.  And maybe that can work in a casual friend or family relationship where I'm expanding my net far and wide in a way that doesn't work in an intimate partner relationship where two people commit to walking every day life together. 

So maybe I'm not so avoidant in my communication style but was (am?) avoidant in recognizing what I needed for a balanced intimate partner relationship.

Finding like minded people

Since the divorce, I have really opened myself up to opportunities and put myself out there by getting to know so many other people.  One benefit I have discovered to that is that great opportunities just fall into my lap more often as people know enough about me to think of me.

One of the men in my church choir was scheduled to take a full-day birding tour to the Black Belt with Alabama Audubon yesterday with a good friend of his.  Unfortunately, his friend could not go because of a family emergency.  So Friday evening, I got a text from my choir friend asking if I would like to go with him.  

I was beyond excited.  The local Audubon groups were already in the back of my mind as groups I wanted to eventually get involved with - I love birds and I love photographing them so a group dedicated to their conservation sounded right up my alley.

So as I decided what to wear, I pulled out a t-shirt with shorebirds on it and socks with bird watchers and song birds and then threw my cardinal socks in my backpack in case the first ones got wet in the rain.  I paused a moment wondering if I was going overboard but the moment I stepped onto that bus early Saturday morning and saw bird shirt after bird shirt and then got compliment after compliment on mine, I knew I was in good company!

The staff from Alabama Audubon that lead the trip were so knowledgeable and personable and we had the privilege of having their Board President and another Board member join us.  And the rest of us brought so much enthusiasm from our very varying skill levels.  Conversations were easy and I very quickly felt so comfortably part of the group.  

I don't know if I have ever had such an easy experience like this with a group of people.  Although, I also don't know if I have ever put myself out there as much as I have over the past year.  I've had a lot of practice talking to people and trying out groups.  I imagine I've built up both some social skills and maybe eased some anxieties of being around people I don't know.  So yesterday's experience might be a combination of the right group of people at a time in my life where I've done the work to become ready to join such a group.

I look forward to finding more events with the local Audubon societies to join so that I can get to know some of these people better and meet other similarly minded people.