The moment things shifted

I didn't fully understand it at the time but there was a moment when I think I realized deep down that the man I had married was not my person.

It was May 6, 2023.  We had landed in Honolulu earlier that day, day two of an 18 day trip with him and his mom.  After checking into our hotel and going to dinner, we walked one block further down Surfboards Street to the beach, the famous Waikiki Beach.  When the pavement ended, I removed my shoes and sunk my feet into the sand.  My eyes on the beautiful waters of the Pacific Ocean, I headed towards the sea.

Not sensing anyone with me, I looked back to find him and his mom standing at the point where the paved path met the sand just staring at me, both with their shoes still on.  I don't remember if I asked him whether he was coming or just accepted the clear message of his silence and stance.  But I turned back to the water and continued on.

As I walked along the shore where the waves lapped over my feet, a view of Diamond Head before me, it really sunk in that he would always choose his mom.  He always had.  I was so disappointed he didn't want to experience this with me.  Always living closer to the Atlantic Ocean, I had so rarely seen the Pacific Ocean and couldn't remember the last time I had actually dipped my toes in it.  And here we were on one of the most beautiful beaches.

And then I was so frustrated because the way he and his mom stood there at the end of that path impatiently made me feel like I had to hurry.  Even as I tried to slow down and enjoy the moment, there was this constant reminder that they were waiting for me.  I don't know how much they were actually rushing me vs me feeling like I had to rush but I hated they had put me in this situation.

From that point on, I think the entire next year was to prepare me for what was coming next.  That trip included some of my first solo experiences traveling - a snorkeling excursion from Kona I went on solo, many solo breakfasts on the cruise ship, a few solo wanderings at port including an after dinner late tender ride and shopping run to Lahaina.  I was so sad he didn't want to take a night tender ride with me to see the ship all light up, reflecting off the water, an experience that was nothing but magical to me.

Then when he planned his twice a year two-week trip to see his mom early that fall, I didn't stay home the full two weeks and instead booked a train ride to DC for the long weekend in between.  And in the Galapagos later that year, I did multiple snorkeling trips without him and didn't even feel his absence as I soaked in the early morning swallow-tailed gulls.  I was getting more and more accustomed to true solitude.  Prior to these experiences, he was usually at least present physically although often not mentally.

And at some point that year, I moved into the spare bathroom for my mourning and night routines.  And I started taking space for myself on Sunday mornings to enjoy my coffee ignoring what he wanted to do those mornings.

That was also the year, I actually got involved in picking out the car I would ultimately take in the divorce.  Of all the cars we owned over the years, that is the one I knew the most about - maybe not in a comfort level with driving it but in an understanding of how it worked and what it needed.

And then in the first half of 2024 when he was gone more than he was home, I got used to managing the house completely without him.  I remember he was surprised the day he was in Philadelphia and got notifications from our car app that I was updating both cars.  He didn't think I knew how to do that.  I had forgotten about that day until I was reflecting this evening.  I think he even made a comment implying that if I was learning how to do that I might leave him.  I forget exactly what he said.  I thought nothing of it at the time because at that point, I didn't yet realize he was planning his own escape.

I bet there is more too, subtle ways I was preparing for a life on my own even if I didn't fully realize it.  It makes me wonder what subtle cues I was giving off to him and how that might have lead him to his own decision.