Every new place brought a potential for greener grass

We moved in together in early fall of 2003 as college students.  I was still working on my Bachelor's.  He was starting his Graduate program.  Twenty-one years later in September of 2024, we moved out into our own places for the first time as we separated.  In those twenty-one years, we lived in ten different homes that spanned five different commuting areas in three different states.

As I think back to each of those moves, I think he was a driving force behind each of them whether it was a move for his job, a move because he wanted to be closer to his parents, a move because the current apartment had gotten too noisy for him, or a move to get away from his mom.

As the miserable person I realize he was/is who depended on dopamine hits to distract him from the misery, I wonder if moving was one more way to feed that dopamine.  And then when it wore off, he started looking for greener grass again.

And that might even explain the shift in 2017 and 2018.  We had been in couple's counseling for some portion of those years after he admitted to having (unreciprocated) feelings for his boss.  His dad was dying as well which added another layer to it all.  But at some point in 2018, we made a decision to move south and everything seemed to suddenly get better between us.  

I remember laughing about how I would come home from work to find he had sold more of our stuff even though we didn't yet know where we were going.  We even had a massive rummage sale that summer before we had any firm moving plans.  We were suddenly a team again determined to move.   He was so supportive of all the applications I was submitting and then interviews I was getting.  And that all continued into probably the first year in Alabama as we explored a new place together.  Was this all a dopamine hit planning for and then exploring “greener grass”?

I realize he did this same thing with cars - used them as a dopamine hit and then when he got bored of the current one went looking for a better one.  And maybe my love for travel fed into that as well which could explain why he was still booking trips while he had one foot out the door.  I had never considered that maybe all our moves fed into that distraction from misery as well.  And maybe these are the things that kept him from leaving so much earlier.  Maybe I was providing a life of constant potential for greener grass.

Except I had started to get exasperated with his constant car purchases.  And we were both very settled in this city and our jobs here where we had already lived for almost six years with no potential move on the horizon.  And maybe all his work travel on his own that spring and summer of 2024 made him realize, he didn't need me anymore to provide that potential for greener grass.  And I actually stood in the way of him finding a new dopamine hit in someone else.

It was clear to me that he saw ending the marriage as a way to have the freedom to go out and find happiness.  He repeatedly made comments to that effect and kept telling me he hoped I found happiness myself.  I just don't think he understands the difference between true happiness that comes from within and the dopamine high with something new and exciting.  So he continues to seek out those distractions from the misery within.