Last Thanksgiving, my first major holiday as a single person, I drove home and spent the entire week with my parents. Last Christmas, I drove to Jekyll Island alone and lost myself on the island intentionally on Christmas Eve and then watched the sunrise on the beach Christmas morning. Last Easter I imagine I went to church - it was never a big holiday for me so it doesn't stand out in my mind. I happened to be on a cruise with my entire family for Fourth of July. I flew home for Labor Day.
I booked this trip in April of this year and so I imagine at the time I saw it as a way to escape, not sure if I was ready for a major holiday at home on my own. I think I was wrong in that assessment, though. I think I'm ready to do holidays however I want.
Because the doubts that hover aren't ones of loneliness or loss or sadness. Instead they are this internal battle about what I "should" want vs what I do want.
I don't think there is anyone in my circle that is spending this holiday completely alone. Everyone has family or friends they are celebrating with. Even the introverts I know who love their alone time are doing something with someone else (although generally keeping it quieter or smaller, if they can). Even the waiter I had tonight couldn't hide his surprise that I was alone. That is the societal norm.
I should point out that my parents never put too much stress on the holidays. They couldn't travel home to their families very easily because of the distance and winter weather so visits to extended family happened at other times of the year. And when my sister and I became adults, especially after we got married and had in-laws to deal with, they stressed that they hoped to see us as often as we could but weren't going to stress about specific dates on the calendar. For a number of years, we actually had Thanksgiving in July and just picked a date that worked for all of us.
So I'm not avoiding my family by not going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'm just choosing different days on the calendar to spend time with them. And maybe that's why it all feels okay even as I question why I ignore this societal norm.
Fortunately, these doubts mostly stay in the back of my mind. And I know from experience with other ways I have pushed back against societal norms is that they lessen over time as I gain more confidence to just be me. So with each holiday that comes and goes, I know I will grow more secure in the decisions I make for each.
In the meantime, I'm going to focus my energy on enjoying this trip. Today I walked the Riverwalk and wandered the French Quarter. I shopped the French Market and even spent some time talking to a really interesting author. It's funny how I'm still learning to interact with people more authentically. The first time I stopped by his booth, I just eavesdropped on his conversation with someone else although did make eye contact when he thanked me for stopping. But I couldn't stop thinking about the opportunity has I walked through the rest of the market so I looped back around and actually initiated a conversation the second time I stopped.
And I enjoyed a lovely dinner by myself of seafood gumbo, snapper, shrimp, crab, and crawfish plus a glass of wine and then as my dessert a bourbon based drink that the waiter smoked at my table by lighting some cherry wood on fire. And after people watching a bit along the Riverwalk, I caught the colors of the sunset as I walked home.
I loved the freedom today to follow my feet, pause when they paused, more forward when they moved forward, and change directions when they changed directions. There was a joy to my step, a relief in not having to consider anyone else or carry their negativity with me.
I have two more nights in New Orleans and then I embark on the Escape for a week long cruise.
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