Cuddling

There was some point in the last I don't know how many years of our marriage (I don't have a great sense of time with regard to the marriage) that I realized I was agreeing to cuddle every night only for his benefit.  As I reflect back, there was a transition at some point from a mutually beneficial activity to an obligation for me.  We even had some conversations about it because it was really important to him that we cuddle and he actually communicated that to me.

I wonder if this even predates our move to the south.  Because one thing that still sticks out in my memory from the time period where we were dealing with deciding how to proceed after his emotional affair, is that he started touching me with his foot while he slept.  We would argue during the day, go to sleep unsure of whether we would stay together, and I would wake up with him physically touching me with his foot.

At the time, it felt encouraging that maybe he still wanted to stay with me, that maybe he still loved me.  But what if it was something much more basic and not even about love?  What if physical touch for him was one way he regulated his nervous system?

And what if for me, my body was trying to tell me he was wreaking havoc on my nervous system?