Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone rub my back and get my water and medicine when I wake up in the middle of the night coughing with an episode of acid reflux instead of having someone who pretended to continue to sleep as I did my best to stay quiet.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone who learned my favorite flower and which forks I preferred and how I wanted my clothes folded.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone who prioritized us as we made decisions together instead of only focusing what was best for them.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone who valued my opinions and experiences as much as they valued their own and lived by the belief that our combined opinions and experiences is what would help us make the best decisions.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone who steps up to solve problems instead of steps back to see what resolution I come up with.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone who consistently walks with me, not two steps back or two steps forward, and makes space for me when we walk through a crowd.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone who chose me every day.
At times, I feel just a bit of bitterness that my ex benefited from all those things from me for two decades while I missed out. It just doesn't seem fair. But I get life isn't fair. And I wouldn't undo any of the things I did because they speak more about me, my integrity, and my capacity to love than anything related to him or whether he deserved it.
But I will admit, it is really hard to imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of those things because that is not something I have ever really experienced in my life.
I realize now that my parents were so focused on raising me to be independent, they didn't teach me to ask for help or how important reciprocity is in a relationship. I remember a conversation with my Dad at about sixteen where he told me that he had taught me everything he could and it was now my turn to live my life. He stressed he would always be there as a fall back (and both my parents always have been) but he stayed in the background waiting for me to ask for something. Neither of my parents have been the type to give unsolicited help or jump in and solve someone else's problems. They wait in the ready.
After experiencing my mother-in-law, as an adult, I really appreciated that trait in my parents. But maybe it started too early. Maybe I missed out on learning how important it is to be on the receiving end of care in relationships.
I was a junior in high school. I was color guard captain and we would rehearse on the football field one evening a week under the lights. The show we were working on involved white wooden boxes some of us would stand on for a portion of one of the songs. It was the first night we were rehearsing with them. One was placed where I didn't expect it. I don't know if it was in the wrong place or if my steps were off.
We were trained to keep our head up so my eyes weren't on the ground. One of those wooden boxes caught me by surprise as I went running into it, tumbling to the ground. I picked myself up and continued the practice. It wasn't until the practice was over that I discovered the car key was no longer in my pocket. And then I looked down to find my pant leg all bloody.
My mom was out of town with our only other car. My first worry though was getting the car home. I found a friend to drive me home to pick up an another set of keys and drive me back to get the car. With the car back in the garage, I entered the house. I still hadn't inspected my injury.
Knowing my Dad wouldn't be much help because he had as big a fear of blood as I did, I headed up stairs to face my injury alone. Nothing was broken but the gash was huge and the leg swelled up quite a bit over the next days making me sit out of the next practices and making it hard to drive (as this was my right leg). I still have a scar today. I managed to clean it up myself and went to bed.
Going back even further, I used to feel proud of the memory I have as an early elementary age girl up on a chair at the counter every morning making my own lunch while my Dad made his. But maybe there's a reason none of my friends made their own lunches. They all had moms or dads who made a lunch for them and still did many other things for them.
Not that parents should do everything for their children but maybe there is a balance somewhere. My ex-husband had never done laundry until I taught him that first weekend he came to see me instead of going home. His Mom still did almost everything for him. It probably didn't help us find a middle ground when we married as we were coming from two opposite ends of that spectrum, neither probably healthy ends.
Emotionally, it was the same scenario. I had spent most of my childhood alone learning to self-soothe, self-regulate. I had mostly dealt with bullies on my own, except in fifth grade when my teacher was actually enabling the bullies to harass me during class (I did get my parents involved that year). I don't know if I ever learned a healthy co-regulation.
He had spent his childhood never learning to self-soothe, self-regulate, or manage his emotions as he dealt with a chaotic mother, a distant father, and I think some of his own problems with bullying both at home and at school. He didn't have any healthy co-regulation skills either.
Maybe that is what attracted me to him - my ability to manage his life and emotions for him, two things he struggled with. And I had no reason to believe I could expect anything from him as I had learned to do life on my own. I had no reason to believe our dynamic was not healthy because I had not learned a healthy give and take.
Note, I don't fault my parents for any of this. They are actually pretty great people who did a lot of right by me. I am a kind, compassionate, strong, successful woman because of them. And they have grown over the years to the point where we now have a more reciprocal relationship. But maybe this helps explain this piece that I feel like I missed out on. Maybe this helps me understand how I found myself in the marriage I did and why I stayed as long as I did.
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