The last one seems so long ago. It was only seven years ago but I feel like I have lived several lifetimes since then. And I don't even really remember the person I was then.
I remember the days going so slowly as I made that commute into work every single day to a mostly empty office. I got pulled into a disastrous project for another division that was just mindlessly monitoring processes on multiple computers that ran 24/7 for several weeks. I remember my colleagues just occasionally popping in to take care of the few excepted matters our division handled. They had stories of their house projects, day trips, etc. One or two really struggled financially but most were just enjoying free time off.
I remember leaving the house each morning to my now ex-husband sitting in his easy chair with his feet up. He got the entire 35 days off, wasn't even allowed to log into his work computer that entire time.
There are so many time periods in my marriage (this being one of them) where I have no recollection of the feelings, tone, vibe, atmosphere, etc. I can objectively remember what was going on but I couldn't tell you if this was a good, bad, or neutral time in our marriage. I don't know if I was just existing or if I have suppressed memories.
Then a couple days after the government reopened, I experienced my first southern snow day. I have more vivid memories of that snow day than I do of the entire shutdown, although I can’t picture him in my memories of that day but he had to have been by my side, we were always together and it was a snow day for him too. The courts made the call to close before noon the day before in anticipation. I admit I shook my head when they made that call because the temperatures in that moment were almost 70*F so I thought it very unlikely temperatures would drop enough overnight to create snow or even ice. The day turned out to be a clear, sunny day in the 50s. And while everyone else had just had over a month off, this was a much needed day off for me!
So where was I going with these wandering reminders of a similar time years ago? I don’t know. I think as this drags on without an end in sight, I feel stuck in limbo. Someone today referenced the twilight zone. I have the confidence, resilience, and underlying joy this time to navigate these uncertain times with more intention and grace. But I also feel the loss of human connection to be working in such an empty office and going home to an empty apartment. And I feel frustrated to have a potential move to Atlanta completely put on hold.
Furthermore, as my mind reflects back to the previous shutdown, I’m surprised by the lack of emotion in my memories from that time. It leaves me wondering what I truly did experience in the marriage.
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