Social Media Memories

Three and four years ago, we were cruising on the Celebrity Constellation, so my social media memories are filled with reminders of those two trips.

Four years ago, it was our first post-COVID cruise and the first post-COVID cruise for the Celebrity Constellation and all its crew.  This one was just my ex-husband and I.  We had upgraded to the Retreat and so had access to the suite amenities.  The enthusiasm of the crew to be back working again and the passengers to be back cruising again was infectious!  I remember tears of joy fell as I walked the gangplank to embark.

The Sommelier in Luminae was excited to open the first bottle of Cattier Champagne for me as we sat down to that first lunch.  He fashioned the champagne cap into a mini chair and left me that and the cork (to serve as a mini table) which I took home and have in my apartment still.

I look upon this cruise with nostalgia and although my ex-husband was physically present, my memories are of me and my experience.  I felt a sense of peace and freedom when I cruised, something I had really missed during COVID.  

Interestingly, my chronic pain would usually disappear on cruises and I always attributed it to the food and the fact that once you tell the staff of a dietary restriction, they don't let you cheat.  But I think my stress levels were also so much lower.  Maybe the monotony of his daily misery temporarily was paused or pushed to the back burner.  And I didn't have to manage the day-to-day of life for both of us.

Three years ago was our splurge cruise.  Prices were still low from COVID and so we snagged one of the two penthouses at a rate we could afford.  And then he convinced me we should also invite his mom.  So the three of us took this cruise.  The cabin itself was larger than our apartment with a dining room, living room, foyer, butler's pantry, bedroom, and two bathrooms.  The balcony was as large as our apartment and spanned half the back of the ship and wrapped around the corner.  His mom had the adjoining suite.  

In my memories, that trip feels like two trips in one, trips that were drastically contrasting to one another and yet all happening in the same space.  One part of that trip was marked by tension with his mom who was filled with criticism and negativity in all of our interactions (which fed into my ex-husband's negativity) and who on more than one occasion interfered with something I wanted to do.  And then the other part of the trip was one filled with solitude and peace.

One evening, I made reservations for them to go try a specialty restaurant I wasn't as interested in (an experience I knew would take hours) so that I could go eat in the suite dining room by myself.  I remember the wait staff expressing sadness that I was alone until I assured them I was quite content to dine by myself and then they gave me such incredible attention throughout the whole meal.  I finished the evening by finding a drink and some live music to enjoy.

I also discovered the balcony was a huge advantage because his mom hated the heat and humidity and even in November it was too hot for her.  So I had over a thousand square feet of the best view on the ship with lounge chairs, a dining table, and a hot tub all to myself!  I practically lived on that balcony that trip.  He and his mom mostly watched TV in the living room of our suite.

So I look on these social media memories mostly with a smile on my face.  Even the formal photos where his smile is brighter in the photo with his mom than it is in the photo with me, don't really trigger me.  They remind me of the ways I found peace and joy even in the middle of what I now realize was a pretty miserable marriage.  These memories are also evidence that the magic was always within me and really had nothing to do with him.  And because it has always been within me, I get to take it with me into this next chapter.  That's one thing I don't have to grieve.