A bird sighting

There is a Bittern that has been spotted pretty regularly over the last week or two at a park just south of my city.  A bittern is the last of the heron species native to this part of the world that I have yet to see and photograph.  The herons and egrets are among my favorite birds so this has been a species on my mind for some time.  I heard one once about a year and a half ago at the Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge but he was so hidden I couldn't find him.

This weekend might be my last chance to see him because then I will be going on vacation and in the first week or two of December, they have a massive cleanup planned for the park that will likely scare him away, if he hasn't already moved on by that time.

Yet I hesitate.

Why do I hesitate?  There is a race near our apartment that will make it hard to get in and out of my apartment tomorrow morning.  I've been feeling drained lately (although today was better) and am not sure if I really want to go out.  And it looks like it will be rainy tomorrow, although when has that ever stopped me?  And there is always a chance the Bittern has already moved on or is hiding even if I do go as bird sightings are never guaranteed.  But those just sound like superficial excuses to me.

I think the real reason is that this park is one my ex-husband and I went to often and I've never been there without him.  We saw our first Anhinga there.  It was one of our local go-to places for bird watching together.  He would have been excited to go see the Bittern with me.

Sure I've been to other places he and I had been to together but none that were exclusively ours.  I had my own solo memories at all those other places.

In some ways, I'm stubborn and feel he wins if I let him take this place away from me so I feel like I have to return at some point.  But I also don't know if I'm ready to have his ghost follow me there.

I think I'm going to go to bed and see what tomorrow brings and how I feel.